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roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 2h

My comedy is a lot like fentanyl. It’s all over the country, it kills, and nobody knows they’re getting it until it’s too late.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 1d

I get so mad when there's another white guy with a crooked hat in the group.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 2d

I got a little something cooking on low in my crock pot so I expect to be a pretty popular guy in about 12 hours.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 3d

What came first? The chicken salad or the egg salad.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 4d

Having a girlfriend is like being a detective that only solves the case of "why are you crying" over and over again.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 6d

I'm sick of snooty ass horses prancing around like they're better than me.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 7d

I'm fracking my body. Shooting unknown chemicals for short-term results with no regard for long-term problems.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 9d

I love America so much that my alarm clock sound is a machine gun.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 10d

I need to marry a woman with a full-time career because I couldn't imagine her sitting at home, eating junk food, and doing nothing all day... with me.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 11d

Next time you argue with your girl say, "If I were Derek Jeter you'd be talking to a gift basket right now."

Then duck.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 12d

There's no U in integrity.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 13d

My accountant says I can't write off my wife's breast implants as healthcare.

I was confused because I filed them under entertainment.

1

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 14d

What's a knucklehead's favorite food?

A KNUCKLE SANDWICH

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 15d

I figured out Victoria’s Secret: slave labor.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 16d

In high school, I was voted most unlikely.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 17d

NO HAIR. DO CARE.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 18d

Shaq is the best rapper to win an NBA Championship.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 19d

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become a master at something, so I'm a master and a half at court-mandated community service.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 20d

Shout out to all my people who are too anxious in social situations to enjoy themselves. I won't see you out there!

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 21d

Oh, your favorite music is techno?

*calls cops to report a drug addict*

(I love techno)

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · 29d

Yo, deadass, I can bag groceries better than any person currently bagging groceries in the United States of America.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · Sep 18

Just got N' F I N T Y P O O L tatted across my knuckles.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · Sep 17

Would you rather be bald or wear a fedora?

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · Sep 16

Somehow, even Justin Bieber is more gangster than Drake.

roblovesbagels.bsky.social @roblovesbagels.bsky.social · Sep 16

Men have no problem with they/them pronouns when they’re talking to their wives about that one coworker they find attractive.