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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇

@pumpkinstars.bsky.social

580 followers 250 following 42K posts

hi im pumpkin. she/her. 🧠🌶️. Asexual. Anti-racist. I like gardens and colors. ME/CFS, hEDS, MCAS, POTS, Fibro. nearly bedridden. i love people and also people scare me. 🇺🇸

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · Jan 17

hi i’m pumpkin

i’m disabled and home bound, mostly bed bound. i write about my life and my experiences with #MECFS #MCAS #EDS #Fibro #POTS

oh! i also sometimes post nail art ☺️ my hobby

i used to do volunteer work in my community but i got too sick

now, i manage my illnesses and work from home

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 17m

i had a dream i got to walk a sheep!

and we go up up on top of a cliff tower with the sheeps

and there was a library at the bottom we rest at after we go down

also i had an assignment to build a track for a toy car and i was behind on it

pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 29m

good morning

pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 10h

the best i can do for myself is exploding somewhere safe
ish. safe ish.

like here.

ranting here in a thread is safer than telling my boss she’s fucking us over in those words.

but it still sucks.

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

i feel better after exploding like that

but so awful when i melt down and need to explode

and it’s happening more often bc october slide

i feel so awful all the fucking time

and it’s wearing me down
the constant inescapable pain

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

calmer now.

and i don’t dislike advice in general. and i love hearing what worked for other people!

but on posts like this where i’m stating that i am at my limit, that isn’t a question. and no one i have met yet understands how to help my literally broken brain except me. and i’m doing my
best.

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

i will feel better with some sleep. and try to be excited about working with favorite coworker tomorrow.

but i’m
going to keep getting overloaded. i’ve passed my capacity already.

yeah.

pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

and this is me on all my pain meds. they’re all active right now.

maybe i need more for this season but i’m already shutting down to a point i can’t plug in my toothbrush so asking for help and getting it
jeez

idk
i’m so overloaded. so so so.

pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

i’m so frustrated i can’t just sleep through it
i hate being awake

i had a nice bit of time. checking in here and visiting people. and see a pumpkin house! and the happiness was like a desert oasis.

but then it’s just me and too much pain again.

pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

by christmas i’m usually so broken

i hate what constant pain does to me

And there’s moments where it’s ok enough but not enough of those moments

oh. before christmas it gets worse. and the sustained pain non stop crushes my spirit. it sucks.

pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

my goal is just to survive.

it’s my first time without my best friend going through big bad things.

i got through surgery i was awake through when i should have gone under

and i can get through october

it’s just so hard

pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

i want to go back to making funky pop ups that don’t matter with a team who takes everything seriously and doesn’t lie so much

but i can’t

so instead, i’m constantly over my limit of what i can sustainably do.

and october slide has me over my
limit without breaks until i feel like i’m broken

pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

how is the “right” thing to do a thing that causes me so much physical pain to endure?

how can so much of society be ok with that?
and sacrifice neurodiverse people?
and not give a hoot

it upsets me. and my audhd brain cannot accept that this is “right” because it’s not.

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

how can the “right”
answer be to just. do nothing to stop the pain she causes?

it also doesn’t matter. because when i’m over my limits and this in pain and upset, i’m not thinking rationally like that. i just need it to stop, i cannot be office politics playing.

pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

and people do not understand.

and i’m so tired of that.

i’m tired of the “right” call with work is to let my boss be a chaos creator and wreck my peace instead of respecting neurodiversity and just basic good management skills, when it’s physically harming me

how can that be right??

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

the main problem with that isn’t my strict up bringing

it’s that i’m audhd and everyone downplayed my
limits and needs my entire life instead of just believing me that i was done
and when i say i’m
done, i mean, i will literally walk into traffic if one more person adds anything to my plate.

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

i feel so triggered when i share how i’m doing and it’s bad
because mostly i get people giving advice
and it sucks

or people don’t get it immediately

and i was raised to immediately take action if someone is at their limit.

so. it bugs me others don’t.
even if my upbringing was… weird.

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

not all the time

so yeah. if anyone gives me advice when i say life is hard bc of my TBI and chronic illnesses, i will just block them like i’ve been doing

no yoga won’t cure me

i take so many supplements already i can’t swallow in one go bc of the EDS swallow problems

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

my boss is a chaotic liar and -i’m- supposed to placate her and pretend that’s ok instead of the reason the entire team is struggling???

i’m already overloaded

and in bad times i cannot remember that i need to play that fucked up social mask game let alone how to play it

i used to

i can’t now

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

i want to be around people who understand

but i’m so frickin fragile and there’s not many people or any people who want to interact with me when i’m up and down like this and overloaded

it’s really hard to stay focused

and i’m so worried i’m going to blow it at work

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

the longer it goes on the worse it gets
the worse it feels and the more unhinged i feel

and i’m
struggling already.
my autumn slide starts in september and this year it was later than before but it still sucked and sucks now

and work is chaos non stop

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

that’s part of why i miss my best friend. he accepted that i was struggling when i was struggling.

he is such a jerk on so many levels.

but he was so validating about my chronic illnesses and the impact they have on my mood.

constant pain is torture.

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

having to mask at work around people who suck and are ableist AF zaps my energy so bad

i can’t handle any more

i really can’t.

and people don’t believe me when i say that, and keep trying to add more.

it makes my words and voice feel useless to the world.

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

and people don’t get it
even “healed” people who aren’t disabled have never gotten it

i’m absolutely over my limit of what i can handle already. and everything else is like a smack in the face.

i’m at the overload point where my softest clothes hurt.

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

and it sucks. i am defensive about it because it’s an incredibly painful sore topic, and any suggestion will cause me extreme distress and upset because it just adds to my problems and the constant problem of not being understood (and the damage that comes from that)

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pumpkin 🎃 👻🦇 @pumpkinstars.bsky.social · 11h

if anyone gives advice then i will feel like blocking you because you don’t understand where i’m at

brain fog sucks
the overload sucks
spending so much energy on work bc i need to work to survive means i’m completely tapped out for self care things

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