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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker
@mrsjparker.bsky.social
1.3K followers 140 following 560 posts
Making two tiny humans laugh one fart joke at a time
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · Nov 13
My 5yo was bragging to his brother about how he does the highest flips on the trampoline. I’m not sure where he gets his need to be better than other people, but he’s mistaken because I’m the highest flipper.
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 2d
Me: Everything hurts and I’m dying.

Also me: These Oreos are helping though.
2 4
mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 2d
Sometimes I like to microwave my already hot coffee because I can’t enjoy it unless it’s hurting me.
mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 3d
You know you had a good night at the pumpkin patch when 30% of your expenses were corn dogs and donuts
mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 5d
5yo: Mommy, there’s hair on your arm.

Me: Yep.

5yo: You’re turning into Dad.
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 8d
Happy hiding under a blanket while your husband watches scary movies season to all who celebrate
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 8d
7yo: Imagine if a baby knew karate when it was born.

Me: I cannot.
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 9d
No one warns you that the hardest part of having boys is accepting you’ll never have a clean toilet again.

Oh, you just cleaned it? How cute! They peed on it already.
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 10d
Nothing says my kids broke something like a crash immediately followed by complete silence.
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 11d
A 5-pound bag of candy corn would fix me.
mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 13d
Taking out a second mortgage on my house to pay for my kid’s book fair haul
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 13d
Civil war but it’s just my husband trying to water the grass and killing my flowers instead.
mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 14d
7yo: Mom, what’s 6 7 mean?

Me: I don’t think anyone knows.

7yo: I think it means she’s gotta big back.

Me: NOPE. No. No, that’s not what that means. Don’t repeat that.
mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 16d
Once again I find myself in a long car ride with two screaming kids and zero noise canceling AirPods
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 16d
Not to brag but I opened my junk drawer and there were FOUR (4) pairs of scissors in it
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 17d
For the third year in a row, my kid has requested I dress as a marshmallow for Halloween. Because I *checks notes* “look like a marshmallow.”
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 17d
A long drive and some Pink Floyd on the radio. Exactly what I needed to knock these kids out.
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 18d
I’m stronger now.

— my kid pushing his older brother off the couch on the morning of this 5th birthday
mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 19d
Nothing raises property values like your son yelling MY DAD POOPS HIS PANTS out the front window
1 1 4
mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 20d
Sharing is caring, and other shit I said while scraping my frosting off the bottom of my husband’s donut
mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 21d
Tonight’s wine is pairing nicely with the kinetic sand fight in the dining room and some light dissociation.
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 21d
Have you ever had a banana string stick to your finger and completely ruin your entire day?
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 22d
The moment I sit down to pee:

MOM I NEED HELP!
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mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 24d
Here, Mom. Wash it and give it right back to me.

— my kid handing me a Ring Pop covered in dirt, grass and dog hair
1 1 2
mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 26d
Death comes in threes, she whispers to herself when two lightbulbs die within a day of each other
mrsjparker.bsky.social
Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 26d
My kid’s listening ears are never more turned on than when I’m playing explicit music in the car.