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J. R. Eldridge

@misreadbible.bsky.social

340 followers 200 following 5.4K posts

British satirical author and creator of The MisreadBible series, which parodies the Bible with irreverent wit and a dash of theological side-eye. https://www.misreadbible.com

www.misreadbible.com

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 14d

If you've been enjoying my posts, you'll love my books. Available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook (*).

The MisreadBible: Genesis*
A MisreadBible Christmas*
The MisreadBible: Book of Moses*
The MisreadBible: Gospel
The MisreadBible: Joshua

www.misreadbible.com/books

The MisreadBible Book Series

Explore The MisreadBible series — a collection of irreverent biblical parodies by J. R. Eldridge. Discover each book’s blasphemous brilliance, formats, and where to buy.

www.misreadbible.com

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Don’t spread rumours. Did you hear about that harlot in Babylon who slept with every man she saw? She was a terrible gossip, and God punished her by giving her the clap. She still whores around though. – Exodus 23:1

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

You are to be my holy people, and as such, you are to be pierced repeatedly. – Exodus 22:31

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

If a wild beast savages one of your animals, throw it to the dogs; the animal, not the wild beast. You might want to chop it up first though; the animal, not the dog. - Exodus 22:31

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Sacrifice your firstborn animals to me. Give them a week with their mothers first, so that they form a bond, but then tear them away from their mother and burn them! The Lord loves him some barbecue! – Exodus 22:30

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

You must sacrifice your firstborn son to me. I may send an angel to stop you, or I may not; depends on what mood I’m in. – Exodus 22:29

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

You must give me all of your juices. Take that however you like it. – Exodus 22:29

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

And for God’s sake, whatever you do, don’t blaspheme, God damn it! – Exodus 22:28

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

If you lend money to the poor, don’t charge interest. You can keep their clothes as a pledge as long as you give it back at night. It’s fine if they’re wandering around naked all day, but I don’t condone people sleeping nude! Exodus 22:25-27

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

If you sacrifice to any other god but the Lord, you must be destroyed! Not just killed, but completely obliterated! Because, how fucking dare you! – Exodus 22:20

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Anyone who has sexual relations with a bear deserves to be mauled. Just saying. - Exodus 22:19

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

Do not allow a witch to live in your large intestine. – Exodus 22:18

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

If a man seduces a virgin who isn’t pledged to be married, he must buy her from her father and marry her. If her father refuses to sell her, he must marry the father. - Exodus 22:16-17

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

In all cases of illegal possession of property, where one person says, ‘This is mine,’ and the other says, ‘No, this is mine,’ and it goes on like this for hours, the first person to give up and go home loses. – Exodus 22:9

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

If anyone gives a neighbour silver or goods for safekeeping and they are stolen from the neighbour’s house, the thief must pay back double. But if the thief is not found, the owner of the house must appear before the judges in spandex performing Swan Lake. – Exodus 22:7-8

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

If a fire breaks out and spreads into thorn bushes so that it burns sheaves of corn or standing corn or the whole field, the fire must be punished with water. Naughty fire. - Exodus 22:6

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

If anyone lets their livestock wander free and eat from someone else’s field, the animal should be cut open to retrieve the crops. – Exodus 22:5

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

Anyone who steals a horse must give it back. But if they no longer have the horse, they should be given to the victim and be ridden as a horse... bareback! - Exodus 22:4

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

If somebody’s bull kills someone else’s bull, the remaining bull must be cut equally in two and each shall keep half. However, if the owner put the bull up to it, he must exchange his bull for the dead bull and eat it in full view of the victim. - Exodus 21:35-26

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

If a bull gores a man or woman to death, the bull is to be stoned to death, and its meat must not be eaten. However, if the bull apologises, the owner is to be stoned to death, and his meat can be eaten. - Exodus 21:28-30

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

If a slave owner smacks their slave on the back of the head and knocks out their eye, the slave must become a pirate. If they knock out a tooth, even better! - Exodus 21:26-27

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 4d

You’re right, this one’s more of a paraphrase. Sometimes, for verses like this, I like to highlight how immoral and/or absurd the original is.

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 4d

If two men are fighting, and one of them hits the other but doesn’t kill him, that’s perfectly fine, even if the victim needs the aid of a walking stick. However, if he paralyses him, he must be used as a makeshift wheelchair. - Exodus 21:18-19

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 4d

Anyone who strikes a person with a fatal blow is to be put to death. However, if it is not done intentionally, and God lets it happen, God will let you hide out in his garden shed. It’s only fair. - Exodus 21:12-13

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 4d

If you buy a Hebrew slave, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh, he’ll go free. But wait, there’s a loophole. Gives him a wife, and if he doesn’t want to leave her, tag his ear like a bull, and he will be your slave for life. Problem solved! - Exodus 21:2-6

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 4d

Moses said to the people, ‘Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.’
Someone piped up, ‘Wait, so should we be unafraid, or should we fear God?’
Moses snapped, ‘Both!’ - Exodus 20:20