Author | Lightnews

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 3h

The solicitor tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your Blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 4.3.”

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 4h

A good friend of mine has always lived by the motto "Out with the old.. In with the new" Great bloke... terrible antiques dealer...

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 4h

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.

Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed.

( but I've turned it all around and that's what it's all about)

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 5h

If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 7h

Dear Mrs. Stone as usual we are declining your offer to donate blood
For obvious reasons

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 7h

This is definitely the worst night of the year to have to send up a distress flare

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 10h

I couldn't sleep last night, so I read the dictionary.
By 3 am I was past caring.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 11h

Optician told me I'm shortsighted...didn't see that coming!

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 13h

This weekend I went to a medieval themed orgy

A good knight was had by everyone

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

I'm off to the Hospital.
I reckon I've got
pneumonoultramicrosco picsilicovolcanoconiosis,
but, it's hard to say…

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

The wife is really unhappy about the bird table I made.

She only came 7th

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

Bands that never quite made it.

Huey Lewis & the Weather Forecast...

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

A man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart.

I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.
I used a Squeegee board.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

My cell phone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

Sang some Billy Ocean songs at karaoke last night.
They loved me!
They kept shouting "You are soul!"

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

My favourite teacher back in school was Mrs
Turtle.

Funny name, but she tortoise well.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

It's a great time of year to purchase discounted skydiving tickets.

They're having a Big Fall sale.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

People worry I might spill their secrets.

Meanwhile, I can't even remember why I walked into the kitchen.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

I've just bought myself a pensioners GPS, not only does it tell me how to get there, but also why.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

The wife says that I no longer do things that take her breath away.

So I've hidden her inhaler.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

Important Reminder.
Please don't let your children anywhere near Fireworks.
Leave them to adults, who've been drinking all day...

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

I couldn't decide if I wanted a skinhead or not so I shaved my kid's hair off instead and it looks really awful.
Dodged a bullet there

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

Dieting is not hard. Mine is a piece of cake...

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

I'm planning a presentation on nutrition in the UK.

I'm wondering about the key takeaways.

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