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itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Apr 6

Math: 2n+1
Me: I can't even

#OddHumor

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Apr 5

Do you think maybe it was called The 10 Files but someone that didn't know Roman numerals just said 'x' and no one corrected them?

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 11

It's called Outback Steakhouse but they let me eat inside.

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 11

It's called Wendy's but they let pretty much anyone eat there.

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Jan 12

Me: Sees an ant farm...

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Jan 2

Resolution for the new year: To pronouncing "raspberry" more deliberately. I've been saying 'razberry' which is wrong.

Also, murder. Gonna lay off doing murder.

1

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

I went to a rodeo just so I can say with honesty, "This ain't my first rodeo."

#RodeoLA

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

"This one goes to Eleven"
- Me, playing hopscotch

#ExtremeSkorts

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

Colloquially what we call a meth lab is actually short for methamphetamine Labrador.

#DontDoDogs

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

Me at Home Depot: "Damn, I guess that trap *is* pretty fly!"

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

My guitar has tone knobs in case I want the volume to stay the same but the sound to be worse.

#ToneDown

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

What does Garfield do all weekend to end up looking so haggard on Monday mornings?

#catnipoholic

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

I don't understand Mexican standoffs. It's like, "I'm gonna effin shoot this guy, ohp, he pulled a gun too so I'm gonna wait a while instead."

#mexicanstandoff0

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

Pond should be called Kevin Parker's Friends.

#pond

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

Imagine Groundhog Day but happens to be a day when you're in jail with diarrhea.

#RunOnSentence

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

Beyonce's fiance at a seancé.

#Fancé

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

Kind of weird to think about it but being a doctor or a lawyer is an after-school job.

#PostGrad

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

I feel like withdrawals should be called without-drawals.

#drawaless

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

Oh, I always though they were called "kink" cobras. "King" still sounds a little scary but not so much.

#KinkCobras

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

In our house we don't say "Happy New Year," we just say, "new year" and sigh a little.

#20twentytoo

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

Who do you think is the greatest filmmaker? I'd say Kodak.

#YouFilmMe

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

How about like a Pez dispenser but for when you wanna munch on burger patties.

#refreshmeats

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

Pornhub is Pubic Access Television.

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

I poop like a clock...
A. With two hands.
B. On the wall.

#ChooseYourOwnPunchline

itsabruno.bsky.social @itsabruno.bsky.social · Mar 28

When you brush your teeth, particles can float in the air and infect your toilet so remember to always keep the toilet seat down.

#SomeSickShit