finished squidgame. very good, i miss jiyeong and namgyu. after namgyu and jiyeong died my squidgame was very unwhimsypilled.

help i think i wore my rings too much and cut off a bit of circulation in my index finger because it feels like im still wearing my ring even tho im not

i finished squidgame while i was in the uk and also ddos and half of doubt

i wonder if my posts will sometimes be used in those character screenshots with the posts on them. it would be funny to stumble upon lol

i wish i could read myself better. i don't really understand me.

when i grieve or miss someone, i don't really cry, i just kind of sit there. i guess i don't get as attached to people as i do objects. but then again, if my friends all died, i'd kill myself. wouldn't do that for any material possession of mine. but i'd cry more over losing a shirt than a relative.

am i a heartless person? i don't consider myself emotionless by far. it's not that i don't care about them, it's just hard to cry over the loss of a person. it's much easier to cry about stupid things, like losing my water bottle or being awful at a video game i want to get better at.

i think there's only 6 people i care about a lot in my life. my closest friend, my brother, my second-closest, my third-closest, my favourite teacher, and the friend who moved away. obviously i like my parents and extended family and closer acquaintances, but i wouldn't grieve for long if they died.

i only have so much love to give. and i wish i could be one of those people who loves will all they have. but i'm not. so i'll make do with what i've got and give it to everyone i care about.

i want to love, but i don't think i'll ever be in love with someone where they love me back romantically. it's hard to do that for me. i think eventually, i will stop loving the person a little less. my love for anything will peter out eventually.

i feel a bit pathetic and boring. i want to be more social and fun and cool. i will never be those things.

it's times like these when i wish i was less unsociable. i'm terrible at talking to people. i don't hate anyone, and i do want to talk to people sometimes, but i have no conversational skills, and i don't know when or how to apply manners.

i love volleyball a lot, but i can feel my love for it peetering out a little. i don't have anyone to practice with, so my entire summer i'll be practicing against a wall or by myself, by passing high into the air each time. i don't hate playing by myself, but it gets lonely.

i'm one of the most average people i know, probably. i don't excel in anything or love anything exceptionally. i like literature and volleyball, but there's people out there who love those with their entire being. and i can only say i love one of them with my whole heart.

i'm not really a complex person, i think. i'm shallower than most. i want to live freely, love freely, and be happy. that's it, really.

i had a dream where i woke up in someone's arms and i was crying on their lap and i kept saying "i'm sorry" and i woke up with wet eyes. that was a few months ago, when i was in australia, i think. kind of odd.

almost all the dreams i can remember are bad ones. uncomfortable, strange or sad. then again, it is easier to remember bad experiences over good ones.

i'm glad i can still dream. for three months, when i slept, i couldn't dream or go through nightmares. i just slept, then woke up. it was kind of boring. i think i'd at least want terrible dreams over no dreams. it reminds me that i am still a person.

and i had a dream two nights ago, about my friend who recently moved to a different place. i saw him in a grey flannel shirt with accents of red and dark grey pants. i smiled and waved goodbye as he ate in a restaurant before i was sent to fight in a stupid war where i was burned alive.

i had a dream where i was his child. i think i would've liked that. he's an understanding person and a good father. i want to be as kind as he is someday.

i guess him and i are a bit alike in that sense, only my 'family' is my three friends, whereas his is his wife and child. he wants to own fish because he says they are quiet. i agree; fish are nicer than dogs or cats. you can watch them for hours and they won't bug you or anything.

perhaps also some to my favourite teacher. he's been really kind to me despite how awful i've been in school. he would like a pet fish, art supplies, and more money, so him and his family can live more comfortably. and he, too dreams of running away with them someday.

i hope they will. i reckon i've probably built up a decent amount for my friends and brother to live an easier life, for at least a short while. i want to give a quarter each to my friends and brother. i hope they can live easier with this. maybe some to my parents, too. i want them to retire well.

my third-closest could do with books, pokemon merch, and probably some more room in her house. i don't know how i'd give her that. i'd give her my room, but it's connected to my parents' house. maybe some money, but my parents might not let me give that out when i die.