"That's pessimistic thinking"
Yeah because the last time I was optimistic was when I saw you go on the plane, thinking the trip wasn't perfect but went well enough that we can work on the problems that happened. Not knowing that would be the last time we'd ever be together.
Now, I'm not blind.

Why did I think anything different would happen this time.
No matter my approach, same outcome of silence.

Chlorine gas
It will be slow and painful but considering how he must’ve felt by the end of our relationship after two years, to cut himself away from me in order to be happy, I deserve it. I’ve just been too weak to do it but each day I feel stronger, ready to give up and have my execution.

Wish I could’ve spent time with you one more time before I gave up. But it’s probably better this way, better for the memory of me to disappear completely.

My death won't matter. It's human nature to say it will, that life is precious. But mine is not. I will be forgotten in time and I want that. I couldn't make a positive difference for the one person that truly mattered to me. Stopped myself from hurting him. So why exist longer except to suffer.

It takes strength to end. For years I've wished for that strength. With each thread of the past cut I might gain that willpower. Because there is no future, and with the past gone, there will no longer be anything.