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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 2h

Complicated thoughts that I don't even know how to post about

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 2h

I wish I didn't let myself get dragged into things

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

I care about other people so much, so so so much, and it pains me that I'll never be able to express the full extent of it

It pains me even more that fear holds me back from expressing as much of it as I can

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

The defense mechanism of isolating myself stayed with me til now and whenever I get the sense that I'm being too much, I feel like I'm that kid again. And I just shut down.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

In school I used to be friendly and energetic and then I started being seen as weird.

And then the way I was treated brought violence and anger out of me which pushed people away.

And then I just didn't talk. I went silent. I didn't have friends for a while but at least I didn't get hurt.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

I've been made to feel like I care too much about people and things and whatnot and I've been ostracized for it and made to feel like some sort of freak

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

I can't escape the loop of feeling like I'm not making it clear enough to everyone how much I care about them, and feeling like I'm being clingy and annoying and weird and creepy and like I care too much

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

It feels like the world is spinning too fast and I'm hanging on for dear life. It feels like there are bugs under my skin. I can't take this. I need a break. Existing is too much.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

I hate this I hate the pain in my head and the discomfort in my stomach I hate the light infesting my eyes I hate that my skin keeps feeling everything around it I hate that I can't turn off my brain for even one second I want it to stop. I NEED it to stop.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

I'm going to be honest I can't imagine things getting any better. I worry I'm going to feel this way for the rest of time. This has been my default. Life is overwhelming. Everything is overwhelming. I don't feel like I'm equipped to handle any of it. I don't feel like I'm made to be here.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

I wish I was as good at literally anything as I am at making people feel bad

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

I feel like all I do is make people sad and disappoint people again and again and again and I feel bad about it

You deserve better I don't want you to feel like you're stuck with me.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

I hate how easily I get overwhelmed

It feels like it should be so simple and easy to just NOT DO THAT but I get scatterbrained so often and just have to lie in bed face down and waste even more time and I worry the whole time about the time I'm wasting so it doesn't feel like I'm taking a break

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

I feel irresponsible and neglectful. I take everything for granted. I feel like no matter how hard I try to stay on top of things I still neglect other things.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 8h

I don't think I'm ever truly going to be good enough

It feels like I'm subpar at everything I should do and everything I want to do

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 1d

I already worry about losing people, and taking people for granted, this is not what I needed right now. Especially not after the downward spiral I had last night.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 1d

I woke up with a headache that still lingers. Even after I was able to talk to them again and see they were fine, I still feel deeply shaken and devastated by the dream. I am still processing it. Everything from the death itself to the way I handled it is going to haunt me for a while.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 1d

What makes me really sad about that dream is that I didn't take the situation seriously. I didn't believe that they were truly dying until they did. I took my last few moments with them for granted. I had so many regrets. So many things I wish I could have said and done. It was horrible.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 1d

I had trouble sleeping last night, and when I *did* sleep, I had a disturbing and harrowing dream where a good friend passed away.

It wasn't instantaneous, they had an urgent medical issue and I was at the hospital with them. And that was my first time seeing them in person, on top of that.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 2d

I feel like I just need to stop talking forever and let people slowly forget about me and find other, better people to talk to

I'm not worth the energy

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 2d

I can't do this anymore

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 2d

I feel bad when people can't help me. Words on a screen can only do so much and I'm stubborn and insecure. I just need a fucking hug. That's the best reassurance for me.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 2d

I hate being physically alone when the thing I need the very most is a hug. Or some company. Or to feel someone's warmth. Feeling someone's pulse. Hearing their breath.

I need it like I need water. It's so hard to take.

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 2d

Once again feeling embarrassed for every single thing I've ever done and my existence as a whole

I'm sorry

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Fae 🌑 @faetrois.bsky.social · 2d

I feel like I'm pushing people away and I don't want to

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