darkwise
@darkwise.bsky.social
Pinned
darkwise
@darkwise.bsky.social
· May 19
Just once, when a girl scout knocks, I want to open the door dressed as the Cookie Monster and go fucking nuts.
I need a Help Wanted sign, for my dating profile.
November 26, 2025 at 8:44 PM
I need a Help Wanted sign, for my dating profile.
The sign read “Sanctuary House.” After the overdose, he checked in. No clocks, no exits. Staff stared like portraits. Upstairs, angels clawed behind locked doors. Below, flesh peeled endlessly. He asked how long. They said, “Until you choose.”
November 26, 2025 at 8:39 PM
The sign read “Sanctuary House.” After the overdose, he checked in. No clocks, no exits. Staff stared like portraits. Upstairs, angels clawed behind locked doors. Below, flesh peeled endlessly. He asked how long. They said, “Until you choose.”
I've spent my entire life stating, "my real dad, not my blood dad." To my real dad, we're missing you greatly. I hate that we will never have holidays with you again. God bless you.
November 26, 2025 at 3:09 PM
I've spent my entire life stating, "my real dad, not my blood dad." To my real dad, we're missing you greatly. I hate that we will never have holidays with you again. God bless you.
I got a new wireless mouse. Now I need a cordless cat to catch it.
November 25, 2025 at 3:52 PM
I got a new wireless mouse. Now I need a cordless cat to catch it.
I was making smores with the kids in the backyard, when suddenly we were attacked by the graham reaper.
November 25, 2025 at 3:51 PM
I was making smores with the kids in the backyard, when suddenly we were attacked by the graham reaper.
My date last night looked like she got a free haircut in the back of a moving van.
November 25, 2025 at 3:46 PM
My date last night looked like she got a free haircut in the back of a moving van.
It's okay to question your sanity, but don't expect a response.
November 24, 2025 at 3:28 PM
It's okay to question your sanity, but don't expect a response.
Today is National Evolution day, though it is clearly too late for some of you.
November 24, 2025 at 2:53 PM
Today is National Evolution day, though it is clearly too late for some of you.
Getting songs from Grease 2 stuck in my head at my age should be illegal.
November 24, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Getting songs from Grease 2 stuck in my head at my age should be illegal.
I'd have a fight to the death with you, but I just don't have the energy.
November 23, 2025 at 9:03 PM
I'd have a fight to the death with you, but I just don't have the energy.
Sure, her boobs are nice, but have you seen her heart!?
November 23, 2025 at 8:55 PM
Sure, her boobs are nice, but have you seen her heart!?
Be the monster under your own bed.
November 23, 2025 at 6:07 PM
Be the monster under your own bed.
How my month is going...
November 23, 2025 at 5:47 PM
How my month is going...
I'm starting to suspect that my life is a shoddily-crafted forgery.
November 23, 2025 at 3:21 PM
I'm starting to suspect that my life is a shoddily-crafted forgery.
He leaned against the glass, watching the suspects. Number four looked up. Same scar. Same eyes. Same smirk. “That’s him,” the witness said. Officers turned to him. Not number four. Him. The mirror cracked. He hadn’t left the room. He’d never been outside.
November 23, 2025 at 3:16 PM
He leaned against the glass, watching the suspects. Number four looked up. Same scar. Same eyes. Same smirk. “That’s him,” the witness said. Officers turned to him. Not number four. Him. The mirror cracked. He hadn’t left the room. He’d never been outside.
Anyone else feel like they are on the die-at-work retirement plan?
November 23, 2025 at 3:10 PM
Anyone else feel like they are on the die-at-work retirement plan?
Music makes everything better.
*applies music to my wounds
*applies music to my wounds
November 23, 2025 at 2:32 PM
Music makes everything better.
*applies music to my wounds
*applies music to my wounds
I followed the rainbow, and finally finding the source, I discovered a pot of dead leprechauns.
November 22, 2025 at 9:42 PM
I followed the rainbow, and finally finding the source, I discovered a pot of dead leprechauns.
Take time to navigate to some extreme places.
November 22, 2025 at 6:17 PM
Take time to navigate to some extreme places.
Irony: When a man can't hit the toilet going pee, but he can nail the facial 10 times out of 10.
November 22, 2025 at 3:06 PM
Irony: When a man can't hit the toilet going pee, but he can nail the facial 10 times out of 10.
Just remember, a glass ceiling is only made of glass. Nearly anything can punch through that nonsense.
November 22, 2025 at 3:04 PM
Just remember, a glass ceiling is only made of glass. Nearly anything can punch through that nonsense.
The semi crushed his car like paper. He woke up in the ER, ribs shattered, vision blurred. Nurses giggled. “He soiled himself.” His mother arrived, silent. She placed folded underwear on the tray. “I told you,” she said.
November 22, 2025 at 2:52 PM
The semi crushed his car like paper. He woke up in the ER, ribs shattered, vision blurred. Nurses giggled. “He soiled himself.” His mother arrived, silent. She placed folded underwear on the tray. “I told you,” she said.
I'd look on the bright side, but there are humans over there.
November 22, 2025 at 3:10 AM
I'd look on the bright side, but there are humans over there.
Snitches got stitches, but the ER billed extra for irony. The nurse stapled the wound, handed over a clipboard, and slid the deductible across the counter. By the time the stitches healed, the debt collectors had sharper needles. The scar was free, the copay was not.
November 21, 2025 at 2:21 PM
Snitches got stitches, but the ER billed extra for irony. The nurse stapled the wound, handed over a clipboard, and slid the deductible across the counter. By the time the stitches healed, the debt collectors had sharper needles. The scar was free, the copay was not.
Snitches get stitches, but only if they have the proper health insurance.
November 21, 2025 at 2:17 PM
Snitches get stitches, but only if they have the proper health insurance.