Author | Lightnews

Cristela Alonzo

@cristela.bsky.social

2K followers 16 following 49 posts

Stand-up comic. Sometimes I sit down. Got 2 specials on Netflix. Made TV history. I’m a yellow car. I wrote a book. Thrifter and vintagerererrrrrr. cristelaalonzo.com

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Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · Aug 29

Omg thank you!

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Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · Aug 19

Hi! #UpperClassy will stream globally on @NetflixIsAJoke September 23!

Countdown starts now: 5 weeks.

I’m teaching my family (and myself) how to enjoy life…whether we like it or not. Truth is, the problem isn’t that you don’t work enough, it’s that you work too much. 🇲🇽❤️🇺🇸

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Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · Aug 19

It’s crazy that I have to announce an announcement but this algorithm is no joke. Ay nos vemos mañana.

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Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · Jun 18

Those are great names 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

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Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · Jun 18

Thank you for coming to the taping!

Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · Jun 18

NEXT SHOWS: BREA, CA

Tickets on sale NOW! I’m coming to do THREE shows the Brea IMPROV in August. After that, I don’t have any shows in the books for a while. That’s it for stand-up for a bit…but only for a little bit.

GET TICKETS HERE: improv.com/brea/comic/c...

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Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · May 8

THE SMOKE! DO WE HAVE A POPE???!!!!

I think we have a new Pope!!! I just saw it live on TV and it made me so excited!!!!

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Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · May 6

Due to rising costs due to the tariffs, my thoughts and prayers will now be condensed to a high-five.

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Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · May 5

THIS WEEKEND: PHOENIX!

Well technically, Chandler, AZ. Doing FOUR shows @micdropcomedychandler this weekend and I prepare to shoot my THIRD Netflix special in Dallas. SIX MORE WEEKS!

Tickets here: www.micdropcomedychandler.com/events/111762

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Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · Apr 28

I don't know what's more pathetic.

Trump not being able to stand that his polling numbers are in the crapper...or the people that thought he'd do a good job.

Everyone I mentioned does a good job of blaming everyone else for their own problems though.

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Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · Apr 28

Canada...you have an election to vote for tomorrow.

Learn from the mistakes that idiots made here and vote correctly.

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Reposted by Cristela Alonzo

Joyce White Vance @joycewhitevance.bsky.social · Apr 28

Stop what you’re doing & listen to this!

60 Minutes @60minutes.bsky.social · Apr 28

And now, a note on Bill Owens who, until this past week, was the executive producer of 60 Minutes.

We’ll be back next week with another edition of 60 Minutes.

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Cristela Alonzo @cristela.bsky.social · Apr 28

Don’t act all surprised like you didn’t know what you were voting for…