Comedy Accelerator
@comedyaccelerator.bsky.social
I'm Dr. Dan. I write the jokes. I accelerate comedians-- standups, comedy writers, storytellers, speakers, all the peeps. (All levels, even pros.) Emmy-nom'd late night writer. Rhetoric PhD. Make money with your weird mind, man...
Pinned
"Cats in the Cradle" is a melancholy folk song about two douchebags.
Democracy is a big, unsinkable ship. I mean, why even worry -- wait, what is that up ahead, is that an orange iceberg?
February 6, 2026 at 5:39 PM
Democracy is a big, unsinkable ship. I mean, why even worry -- wait, what is that up ahead, is that an orange iceberg?
Things got pretty wild at Escher’s first orgy.
February 4, 2026 at 12:00 AM
Things got pretty wild at Escher’s first orgy.
Oh, don’t kid yourself, God’s busy preparing a meteor for us as we speak.
January 20, 2026 at 2:59 AM
Oh, don’t kid yourself, God’s busy preparing a meteor for us as we speak.
Me? Just trying to keep the ceramic horses from flying off the merry-go-round, bro.
January 20, 2026 at 2:15 AM
Me? Just trying to keep the ceramic horses from flying off the merry-go-round, bro.
I would pay big money to see an action movie starring Ben Kingsley as Gandhi fighting Ben Kingsley as Don Logan from “Sexy Beast.”
January 18, 2026 at 6:12 PM
I would pay big money to see an action movie starring Ben Kingsley as Gandhi fighting Ben Kingsley as Don Logan from “Sexy Beast.”
Putin and Trump, in say, 2010. Putin: “Just keep lying, no matter what.” Trump: “About what, everything?” Putin: “Yes, everything, even your weight. Then have some rich buddies buy up the media, maybe kill a journalist or two, everyone falls in line, you’ll see. Easy peazy.”
January 15, 2026 at 1:14 AM
Putin and Trump, in say, 2010. Putin: “Just keep lying, no matter what.” Trump: “About what, everything?” Putin: “Yes, everything, even your weight. Then have some rich buddies buy up the media, maybe kill a journalist or two, everyone falls in line, you’ll see. Easy peazy.”
Turns out absolutely nothing depends on the red wheelbarrow or the white chickens.
January 14, 2026 at 8:23 PM
Turns out absolutely nothing depends on the red wheelbarrow or the white chickens.
To the guy standing in line in front of me at Starbucks this morning, while liberally applying a facial cream -- yeah, don’t do that.
January 6, 2026 at 8:32 PM
To the guy standing in line in front of me at Starbucks this morning, while liberally applying a facial cream -- yeah, don’t do that.
There has never been a kickoff in NFL history without a holding penalty.
January 4, 2026 at 6:41 PM
There has never been a kickoff in NFL history without a holding penalty.
God needs to release the unredacted Bible.
January 4, 2026 at 6:38 PM
God needs to release the unredacted Bible.
My policy has become, well, I’m saying it mentally, I might as well say it verbally and let the chips fall.
January 1, 2026 at 2:04 AM
My policy has become, well, I’m saying it mentally, I might as well say it verbally and let the chips fall.
Whoever you were, guy who was chanting in one of the bathroom stalls at the gym this morning, I want you to know that you’ve ruined Buddhism for me forever.
December 23, 2025 at 7:07 PM
Whoever you were, guy who was chanting in one of the bathroom stalls at the gym this morning, I want you to know that you’ve ruined Buddhism for me forever.
In the long awaited follow-up, 82-year-old Wallace Shawn and 91-year-old Andre Gregory sparkle in “My Threesome with Andre.”
December 17, 2025 at 9:11 PM
In the long awaited follow-up, 82-year-old Wallace Shawn and 91-year-old Andre Gregory sparkle in “My Threesome with Andre.”
White dudes have done so much to hurt our brand.
December 15, 2025 at 8:27 PM
White dudes have done so much to hurt our brand.
Putting my will together. Anyone want my shoe strings? The shoes are going to my kids.
December 13, 2025 at 11:30 PM
Putting my will together. Anyone want my shoe strings? The shoes are going to my kids.
You’re like a third cousin six times removed who I never met and don’t care about to me.
December 13, 2025 at 11:28 PM
You’re like a third cousin six times removed who I never met and don’t care about to me.
“Bless me, father, for I have sinned. It’s been six minutes since my last confession.”
December 13, 2025 at 11:24 PM
“Bless me, father, for I have sinned. It’s been six minutes since my last confession.”
NYC is one good rat recipe away from having no rat problem.
December 11, 2025 at 11:36 PM
NYC is one good rat recipe away from having no rat problem.
“How do you like your drugs delivered?” “Dissolved into a steaming hot cappuccino, served by a cynical but attractive low-wage worker, while wearing my earbuds so I can’t hear the humans crowded around me in a pastiche-friendly public space! You?”
December 10, 2025 at 1:54 PM
“How do you like your drugs delivered?” “Dissolved into a steaming hot cappuccino, served by a cynical but attractive low-wage worker, while wearing my earbuds so I can’t hear the humans crowded around me in a pastiche-friendly public space! You?”
Sorry, busy reading a recap of last week’s Matlock.
December 5, 2025 at 4:03 PM
Sorry, busy reading a recap of last week’s Matlock.
Caribou can read marmot’s minds. We don’t know why, but isn’t nature amazing?
November 29, 2025 at 12:22 AM
Caribou can read marmot’s minds. We don’t know why, but isn’t nature amazing?
Godspeed? The universe has been here for 14 billion years. The last thing you want to wish people is Godspeed.
November 28, 2025 at 9:31 PM
Godspeed? The universe has been here for 14 billion years. The last thing you want to wish people is Godspeed.
I don’t sing the National Anthem, I mime it. Patriot!
November 27, 2025 at 9:36 PM
I don’t sing the National Anthem, I mime it. Patriot!
I miss drunk Pat Summerall calling the Tgiv games. “Man, the Lions suck -- again! Hey, Madden, get that turkey leg out of your face and do some work. Damn, my liver hurts.”
November 27, 2025 at 8:54 PM
I miss drunk Pat Summerall calling the Tgiv games. “Man, the Lions suck -- again! Hey, Madden, get that turkey leg out of your face and do some work. Damn, my liver hurts.”