Chris
@chrislockefun.bsky.social
Comedian, actor, writer. Don’t discount me.
Pinned
Chris
@chrislockefun.bsky.social
· Jul 12
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Today we have Johnny Hell, Bob Crap, And Steve Shit
Deep cut but Rod Stieger in Fistful Of Dynamite sounds like Billy Crystal doing Fernando Lamas
December 14, 2025 at 4:23 PM
Deep cut but Rod Stieger in Fistful Of Dynamite sounds like Billy Crystal doing Fernando Lamas
Nosferatu is MY Batman
December 13, 2025 at 11:20 PM
Nosferatu is MY Batman
You know what - in those vids when a dad shaves his beard off and then his kids start crying... f**k you, kids
December 13, 2025 at 2:05 PM
You know what - in those vids when a dad shaves his beard off and then his kids start crying... f**k you, kids
Delicious! I’m dead! Hi I’m Chris. Maybe I should start from the beginning. 2 onion bhajias, 2 scoops chicken curry, a scoop chana masala, a quarter piece naan, some rice, 2 glasses white wine… cats meowing…… dizzy… the sun set somewhere I’m sure but in Canada you don’t know for 8 months
December 13, 2025 at 3:44 AM
Delicious! I’m dead! Hi I’m Chris. Maybe I should start from the beginning. 2 onion bhajias, 2 scoops chicken curry, a scoop chana masala, a quarter piece naan, some rice, 2 glasses white wine… cats meowing…… dizzy… the sun set somewhere I’m sure but in Canada you don’t know for 8 months
Stand up is hard to do these days cause humans are shit dumb creatures now not unlike the gremlins. You’re setting up a premise and audience members are spinning on a ceiling fan, throwing pint glasses at the wall, hitting each other with frying pans etc
December 12, 2025 at 2:17 PM
Stand up is hard to do these days cause humans are shit dumb creatures now not unlike the gremlins. You’re setting up a premise and audience members are spinning on a ceiling fan, throwing pint glasses at the wall, hitting each other with frying pans etc
That’d be sick if Lee Renaldo from Sonic Youth was super jacked like Mark Wahlberg. Super sick eh just ripped
December 12, 2025 at 2:23 AM
That’d be sick if Lee Renaldo from Sonic Youth was super jacked like Mark Wahlberg. Super sick eh just ripped
Get you a President who looks at you like Blackbeard the pirate
December 11, 2025 at 9:02 PM
Get you a President who looks at you like Blackbeard the pirate
I ate the other half of the bagel this morning with butter AND crunchy peanut butter plus coffee. What’d you have?
December 11, 2025 at 2:22 PM
I ate the other half of the bagel this morning with butter AND crunchy peanut butter plus coffee. What’d you have?
I'm writing a new novel called: I'm In A f**kin' Boat With A F**kin' Tiger
December 10, 2025 at 11:59 PM
I'm writing a new novel called: I'm In A f**kin' Boat With A F**kin' Tiger
Were they punching Rocky in the head for real in those movies?
December 10, 2025 at 8:49 PM
Were they punching Rocky in the head for real in those movies?
Over the last month or so Dumb by Nirvana has become my favourite song. Does this make sense to you?
December 10, 2025 at 6:22 PM
Over the last month or so Dumb by Nirvana has become my favourite song. Does this make sense to you?
I ate half a bagel with butter AND crunchy peanut butter. What did you have?
December 10, 2025 at 1:17 PM
I ate half a bagel with butter AND crunchy peanut butter. What did you have?
Carey Grant movies are always like:
"I shouldn't have divorced you, baby. Who's this guy? He looks like he keeps pepperoni sticks for pets!"
"I shouldn't have divorced you, baby. Who's this guy? He looks like he keeps pepperoni sticks for pets!"
December 3, 2025 at 10:25 PM
Carey Grant movies are always like:
"I shouldn't have divorced you, baby. Who's this guy? He looks like he keeps pepperoni sticks for pets!"
"I shouldn't have divorced you, baby. Who's this guy? He looks like he keeps pepperoni sticks for pets!"
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Were racist
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Were racist
December 2, 2025 at 8:06 PM
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Were racist
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Were racist
Don't know anything about Hamnet but this is my favourite scene from Hamnet:
"HAMNET! There's a robbery in progress downtown at the HSBC!"
"I'm on it, Chief"
"HAMNET! There's a robbery in progress downtown at the HSBC!"
"I'm on it, Chief"
December 2, 2025 at 7:59 PM
Don't know anything about Hamnet but this is my favourite scene from Hamnet:
"HAMNET! There's a robbery in progress downtown at the HSBC!"
"I'm on it, Chief"
"HAMNET! There's a robbery in progress downtown at the HSBC!"
"I'm on it, Chief"
50 years from now. Me and another guy are in an underground bunker:
"Want a bite of my burger?"
"Where'd you get that!?"
"Dunno? Some box"
"Want a bite of my burger?"
"Where'd you get that!?"
"Dunno? Some box"
December 1, 2025 at 9:16 PM
50 years from now. Me and another guy are in an underground bunker:
"Want a bite of my burger?"
"Where'd you get that!?"
"Dunno? Some box"
"Want a bite of my burger?"
"Where'd you get that!?"
"Dunno? Some box"
If I was Hopper I'd hand Eleven over to the military and go "Here" and then I'd go get a classic 80's cheeseburger, fries, Coke-Cola
December 1, 2025 at 4:26 PM
If I was Hopper I'd hand Eleven over to the military and go "Here" and then I'd go get a classic 80's cheeseburger, fries, Coke-Cola
I’m playing Triple Decker 5000 Chess while everyone else is playing Checkers. Even though my doctor recommends I play Connect 4
December 1, 2025 at 4:12 PM
I’m playing Triple Decker 5000 Chess while everyone else is playing Checkers. Even though my doctor recommends I play Connect 4
Bobacop. A Robocop with little chewy tapioca pearls in his suit
December 1, 2025 at 1:27 AM
Bobacop. A Robocop with little chewy tapioca pearls in his suit
I’m old and homely now. No one likes me. But follow my onlyfans to pay money to see my ass. It’s all I got. I dress like Batman and rip my ass out of my pants. Also I act like the Joker has me strapped to a table with a razor sharp pendulum swinging over head. Got the pendulum off Amazon for 14.99
November 30, 2025 at 4:59 PM
I’m old and homely now. No one likes me. But follow my onlyfans to pay money to see my ass. It’s all I got. I dress like Batman and rip my ass out of my pants. Also I act like the Joker has me strapped to a table with a razor sharp pendulum swinging over head. Got the pendulum off Amazon for 14.99
Some guy did bad thing but then other guy did good thing. Good on him eh
November 28, 2025 at 2:24 PM
Some guy did bad thing but then other guy did good thing. Good on him eh
Who here thinks I should go back to school and become a pipelineocologist?
November 28, 2025 at 2:17 PM
Who here thinks I should go back to school and become a pipelineocologist?
Bluesky shadow-banned me for being extremely hyper intelligent
November 27, 2025 at 5:31 PM
Bluesky shadow-banned me for being extremely hyper intelligent