Author | Lightnews

Brian Kelley

@briankelley.bsky.social

340 followers 410 following 230 posts

I’m going to write what I want to on here.

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Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jan 9

I wish I had a roach’s will to live

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Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Oct 3

I will say, I would be a radically different person if my parents didn’t take every single problem and inconvenience they’re going through and lay it at my feet. It gave me a lot of practice at listening to people I didn’t want to.

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Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Sep 19

Didn’t get as many laughs as I was hoping for, BUT someone did capture my ass in a window getting exposed to all of New York City and THAT is a memory that lasts a lifetime, folks.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Sep 19

The thing about performing naked is that you can only do it once, if that, in front of the same audience. After that, it’s old hat (and nothing else)

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Sep 15

Had another good cry about being disowned by the Brooklyn comedy scene again. I love my brain. 😌

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Sep 11

I just think we should start discussing Mussolini’s wife and kids before discussing Charlie Kirk’s.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Sep 6

I’m gonna repost this and hope to god it’s not racist

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Sep 1

Happy birthday to labor and to me!

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Aug 15

I don’t mean to be a smut hound. I really don’t. But I need to express to someone, somewhere, in some healthy way that this was the year I fell in love with subreddits featuring 250+ lb women in leather. God bless people fucking inhibition and being sexual.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jul 21

I can’t look at the spicy plus size women subreddits anymore. It just reminds me of the plus size beauty who won’t write me back anymore. :(

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Aug 1

I think this is the only platform I feel comfortable expressing what a hypocritical pissant Biden was, how he should’ve faded into irrelevancy after the 80s, and how he’s very much responsible for us dealing with four more years of whatever this garbage is.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jul 27

Even though she’s told me (and apparently him) that she’s not doing anything until she’s sober.

Anyways, insert self-riff about how co-dependent I am.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jul 27

She will not tell me she’s not interested anymore but she’ll continue to not reach out to me and she’s had so many drug issues that she can’t stay with her parents anymore and is now staying with this guy who has expressed interest in her.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jul 22

Parents: loving people who cannot zip the lip.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jul 21

I can’t look at the spicy plus size women subreddits anymore. It just reminds me of the plus size beauty who won’t write me back anymore. :(

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jul 17

A Hill I Will Die On: Dying is uncool.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jul 7

Is anyone else kind of entertained by the combination of Christmas and MAGA? Like peace and goodwill towards all men but get them out of here! Yep, you’re sure understanding Christmas you chodes 😂

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jul 4

God sometimes it’s just too bulky to fit in your undies. It’s nuts, I mean, it’s crazy. 😭

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jul 2

To the woman I’m friends with who is posting breakup and self worth memes while also about her new boyfriend: is everything okay?? You’re making it difficult to not be nosy.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jun 30

Nothing triggers me as much as seeing posts of people I used to hang out with all hanging out without me.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jun 27

Yes my Duolingo icon is me naked. Live with it.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jun 22

They’ve talked up WW3 so much that the actual hype can’t possibly live up to it.

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Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · Jun 19

After 20 years of faithful service I am retiring my Yahoo! email account. They are no longer letting me login without checking my recovery my email (which is my old college email that no longer exists 😌)

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · May 22

Censored for hate speech? But I love making speeches! Especially with a tiny mustache on.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · May 20

Liberals take valid criticism of Biden without going apesh*t challenge

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · May 18

When I scroll twitter, I’m gay. When I scroll TikTok, I’m straight.
And I just mash the two life experiences together.

Brian Kelley @briankelley.bsky.social · May 9

It’s mansplaining when you post about a problem you’re having and I offer one idle solution with absolutely no other pretense. It’s mansplaining. I’m gonna quit my life 🙃