Author | Lightnews

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · 6d

I stay in shape. I used to row, but now I run, because the guy who owns the boat I've been using found out and he's been chasing me.

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · 7d

Police in California arrested a man for possession of $6000 in stolen #Legos. They want to sentence him to ten years of stepping on Legos barefoot in the middle of the night.

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · 7d

#GeorgeSantos is out of jail and say he's looking forward to returning to his job teaching constitutional law at Yale.

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · 19d

My latest letter in the NY Times (scroll down- as usual it's the last one)
www.nytimes.com/2025/10/06/o...

Opinion | Pushback at Trump and Troops in Portland

www.nytimes.com

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · 19d

Officer: Have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Officer: I need you to step out of the car. Now stand on one foot for thirty seconds.
Me: Do I get to choose which foot?
Officer: Whichever foot you want.
Me: Okay, I choose to stand on your right foot.

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · 20d

My fortune cookie said "Your kindness will be a source of light in the world."
Nice, right?
"Will be?"
I'm over fifty, you dicks. How about "Is a source..."

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ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · 22d

I got this email from a client:
Hi Shaun,
Please see the attached cataract and sign and return.

I wrote back that I'll get to it but that their auto-correct needs eye surgery.

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · 24d

I called my local police department and asked:
"Do you still take drugs?"
Then I rephrased the question:
"Does the police department still take unwanted pharmaceuticals for destruction?"
But I like the first version of the question better.

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ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · 27d

Her: Do you still run races?
Me: Last month I ran a 2:54.
Her: That's a good time.
Me: It was a 5K.

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Sep 25

I am dismayed that many of the conservatives who criticized other conservatives for supporting the suspension of Jimmy Kimmel said it was because they were afraid it would also be used on conservatives.
And not simply because it was absolutely the wrong thing to do.

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Sep 25

Well, technically it's a one-way ticket if it doesn't stop in hell, but just gets there and turns around, right?

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Sep 24

So glad we traded a free press for cheaper eggs.

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Sep 24

I'd bet that in 1950 all Germans denied being nazis and all French people would claim to be in the Resistance.
The difference between then and five years from now is that now we have the internet and social media keeping a permanent record.

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ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Sep 24

I wish to point out that autism wasn't really a thing until Trump started putting his name on buildings.
Correlation = Causation

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ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Sep 21

I heard on the radio "Traffic sponsored by Flushing Bank" and I thought
Screw you, Flushing Bank, you're PAYING for this mess?
Then I realized that the guy meant that the traffic REPORT was sponsored by the bank.
Now if we can only get people to stop sponsoring parades...

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Sep 20

Taking control of the airwaves is pretty far along the timeline in the fascist playbook.

What comes next is interfering with elections. Violent voter intimidation in Democratic districts, scaring people from showing up to vote. This is why Trump is against voting by mail.

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ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Sep 4

I suppose. But the people at the theme park mostly won't be Floridians. Safer than, say, going to a local diner.

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ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Sep 3

I don't think that most people care about vaccine policy, but I expect that theme park attendance from other countries is going to decline due to hatred of our president and his policies (and fear of being detained for no reason).

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ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Aug 16

It's not September yet so you're probably okay.

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Aug 15

That makes perfect sense. The more education you get, the dumber you get at things outside your field.

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Aug 10

Okay, but then to make up for the lost revenue we'll increase taxes on the rich. Are you okay with that?

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Aug 6

"Shaun, you remind me of Larry David. You must love '#CurbYourEnthusiasm.'"
No, I'm nothing like him, he's so annoying and I hate the show. If I watch it I'll want to buy an airline ticket to L.A., rent a car, and go punch him in the face.
OMG I'm turning into Larry David. #larrydavid #curb

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Aug 6

I used to think I was stubborn, but after spending $77,000 on grad school I discovered that I'm resilient. #positivepsychology

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Aug 4

#Staples: Hot deal for you- 24 #Crayola #Crayons
Are they trying to tell me something?
Like, I'm not worth the 64 pack?

ShaunEli @brainchampagne.bsky.social · Aug 2

It just occurred to me that, after my house and car, the third most expensive thing I own is my #Chase #Sapphire card.