The Borowitz Report
@borowitzreport.bsky.social
Home of Truth
Free newsletter subscription: BorowitzReport.com
Free newsletter subscription: BorowitzReport.com
Instead of Somalis, Trump should deport whoever put this hilarious wig on his head
December 5, 2025 at 12:27 AM
Instead of Somalis, Trump should deport whoever put this hilarious wig on his head
A defiant Pete Hegseth lashed out at his critics on Thursday. “I get knocked down, but I get up again,” he said. “You're never gonna keep me down.” Revealing the secret to his resilience, Hegseth said, “I drink a whiskey drink, I drink a vodka drink, I drink a lager drink, I drink a cider drink.”
December 4, 2025 at 10:16 PM
A defiant Pete Hegseth lashed out at his critics on Thursday. “I get knocked down, but I get up again,” he said. “You're never gonna keep me down.” Revealing the secret to his resilience, Hegseth said, “I drink a whiskey drink, I drink a vodka drink, I drink a lager drink, I drink a cider drink.”
Reposted by The Borowitz Report
More than 2,500 Starbucks workers are on strike. They’re demanding dignity: fair pay, safe conditions, a contract that respects their labor.
It’s time their voices are heard at the same volume as CEOs earning millions.
It’s time their voices are heard at the same volume as CEOs earning millions.
December 4, 2025 at 4:48 PM
More than 2,500 Starbucks workers are on strike. They’re demanding dignity: fair pay, safe conditions, a contract that respects their labor.
It’s time their voices are heard at the same volume as CEOs earning millions.
It’s time their voices are heard at the same volume as CEOs earning millions.
My mother taught me never to call another person garbage unless they’ve incited an insurrection and/or raped children
December 4, 2025 at 4:56 PM
My mother taught me never to call another person garbage unless they’ve incited an insurrection and/or raped children
“When I travel abroad from Somalia, I’m not embarrassed when people ask me where I’m from,” one Somali said.
Somalis Express No Interest in Immigrating to Country with Shithole President
“When I travel abroad, I don’t have to be embarrassed when people ask me where I’m from," one Somali said.
www.borowitzreport.com
December 4, 2025 at 1:03 PM
“When I travel abroad from Somalia, I’m not embarrassed when people ask me where I’m from,” one Somali said.
BREAKING: Hegseth’s new explanation is that he left the room, went to a bar, and butt-dialed the commanding officer, who heard Hegseth say “Make it a double” which he misinterpreted as ordering a double tap
December 4, 2025 at 2:36 AM
BREAKING: Hegseth’s new explanation is that he left the room, went to a bar, and butt-dialed the commanding officer, who heard Hegseth say “Make it a double” which he misinterpreted as ordering a double tap
“They said it was in response to things I’ve done as president,” Trump told reporters.
Trump Boasts That International Criminal Court in The Hague Has Invited Him to Receive Award
“They said it was in response to things I’ve done as president,” Trump told reporters.
www.borowitzreport.com
December 3, 2025 at 1:13 PM
“They said it was in response to things I’ve done as president,” Trump told reporters.
When Trump calls Somalis “garbage,” I respond: how many Somalis are in the Epstein files?
December 3, 2025 at 1:19 AM
When Trump calls Somalis “garbage,” I respond: how many Somalis are in the Epstein files?
Hegseth Claims He Could Not See Second Boat Strike Because His Mascara Was Running
December 3, 2025 at 12:00 AM
Hegseth Claims He Could Not See Second Boat Strike Because His Mascara Was Running
Hegseth's title should be Secretary of Defensiveness
December 2, 2025 at 11:46 PM
Hegseth's title should be Secretary of Defensiveness
It’s unfair that Trump gets to sleep through his presidency and we don’t.
Dozy Don: A Pictorial History
Years of snoozing on the job.
www.borowitzreport.com
December 2, 2025 at 12:50 PM
It’s unfair that Trump gets to sleep through his presidency and we don’t.
Trump Boasts He is About to Receive Special Recognition from The Hague
December 1, 2025 at 5:40 PM
Trump Boasts He is About to Receive Special Recognition from The Hague
“I had a perfect MRI,” he told reporters.
Trump Claims MRI on his Brain Found Nothing
He declared his test “perfect.”
www.borowitzreport.com
December 1, 2025 at 1:08 PM
“I had a perfect MRI,” he told reporters.
It’s starting to look like having an alcoholic TV host as Secretary of War wasn’t a great idea
November 30, 2025 at 1:04 PM
It’s starting to look like having an alcoholic TV host as Secretary of War wasn’t a great idea
Metamucilini’s worst nightmare.
Trump Will Hate This
And you’ll love it.
open.substack.com
November 28, 2025 at 12:24 PM
Metamucilini’s worst nightmare.
Informing Patel of his decision in a brief phone call, Trump reportedly said, “Sorry, Kash—we’re going deer.”
Kash Patel Replaced by Startled Deer
Informing Patel of his decision in a brief phone call, Trump reportedly said, “Sorry, Kash—we’re going deer.”
www.borowitzreport.com
November 28, 2025 at 12:16 PM
Informing Patel of his decision in a brief phone call, Trump reportedly said, “Sorry, Kash—we’re going deer.”
Guaranteed survival tips.
How to Gaslight Your MAGA Relatives on Thanksgiving
Helpful tips!
www.borowitzreport.com
November 27, 2025 at 12:18 PM
Guaranteed survival tips.
These two things are true:
1) Shooting National Guard members is horrific and criminal.
2) So is putting National Guard members in harm’s way to score political points.
1) Shooting National Guard members is horrific and criminal.
2) So is putting National Guard members in harm’s way to score political points.
November 26, 2025 at 9:01 PM
These two things are true:
1) Shooting National Guard members is horrific and criminal.
2) So is putting National Guard members in harm’s way to score political points.
1) Shooting National Guard members is horrific and criminal.
2) So is putting National Guard members in harm’s way to score political points.
Kash Patel used a government jet to visit his girlfriend. The shocking part of this story is that Kash Patel has a girlfriend
November 26, 2025 at 4:07 PM
Kash Patel used a government jet to visit his girlfriend. The shocking part of this story is that Kash Patel has a girlfriend
I posted this headline 2 days ago. My news isn’t fake, it’s just early.
November 26, 2025 at 12:16 PM
I posted this headline 2 days ago. My news isn’t fake, it’s just early.
Do not share this with Kristi Noem
Warning: This Post Contains Adorable Puppies
Do not share this with Kristi Noem.
open.substack.com
November 25, 2025 at 2:42 PM
Do not share this with Kristi Noem
Mark Kelly vs Pete Hegseth: Astronaut vs Space Cadet
November 25, 2025 at 1:20 AM
Mark Kelly vs Pete Hegseth: Astronaut vs Space Cadet
“Indictmenting is hard,” Lindsey Halligan said.
November 24, 2025 at 6:38 PM
“Indictmenting is hard,” Lindsey Halligan said.
Facebook clears things up
November 24, 2025 at 12:04 PM
Facebook clears things up
Rubio Admits Difficulties in Translating US Peace Plan from the Original Russian
November 23, 2025 at 5:04 PM
Rubio Admits Difficulties in Translating US Peace Plan from the Original Russian