Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡
blermanic.bsky.social
Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡
@blermanic.bsky.social
9 followers 5 following 73 posts
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As a person who refers to a mandolin as a French Death Sled I aprove
My parents swallowed Tylenol, Natty Ice, religious fanaticism and Biblical literalness, Reaganomics, avoidance behavior, and racial erasure, and I promise you that Tylenol was the least harmful unless you hate rocks and birds
Not a conspiracy theorist but can't wait for the coming UNRELATED zero tolerance reaction to leftist rhetoric from this administration

We're fine.

It's fine.
Shit, been doing my satanic rituals wrong. Guess I'll switch to Pellegrino.
This is me with regular water
Jumped in a Lyft, first time in public in four days (depression, amirite?) and look not great and the driver says What's wrong with your hair? to whoever was on her Bluetooth in case you're wondering why I threw myself out of a moving car on 794
I'm not gonna tell you how I know this but baby raccoons play in the same "I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds" false-confidence sandbox
I'd be way more inclined to find Jesus if church was held Thursday nights at 9:30 and served bottomless margaritas
Scientists the world over have spent thousands of years trying to figure out how to turn common metals into gold but no one seems to give a flying fuck as to why I can pee seventeen times the volume of liquid I've put into my body in a day
When you're finishing that last cocktail at 1am and Bladder whimpers "please don't do this" but you're all "take one for the team Bladder, Brain loves it!" and then Brain links hand with Liver to quietly murmur "I can't wait to hurt you in the morning you old crusty whore"
Getting my ass kicked by insomnia lately so I made a little cocktail of an edible and melatonin, a combo I like to call
Miss mine, hope your day is good 🦞🍺
Saw a gull in the middle of the road being a gull and a car was kind enough to slow down and go around them and I just screamed "Steve! Get out of the fucking street!" AND HE LOOKED OVER AND TOOK OFF

I have a sky puppy again this summer 🦢🤦‍♀️
Spider landed on my face, followed by the rather large beetle it was clearly chasing so I guess we're done sleeping for the day
"Oh come ON didn't we JUST fucking do this WHERE IS THE ALEVE"

Me, inexplicably surprised and angry every month for over 32 years
Staff Meal

Me: Is that goulash? Looks like goulash.
Line cook: It's not fucking goulash. It's taco sludge.
Me: Man, I had a craving for goulash. 😞 Must be my Germanish/Hungaryesque half.
Other line cook: What? You said you were half black?
On a brand new silicone bus and it smells like the inside of a sex toy in here
"My" "insurance (?)" "my house(??)"

I'm looking into subletting my kitchen cabinets, read the room
Not sure exactly what holiday today is but I can tell you that my household celebrates by licking my hands and biting the fuck outta me

Mostly the cats but the gimp is getting better at escaping his crate 😬
Cats are wild because they're like I would like to lay there and you're like no I don't want you to lay there and they're like doing it anyways lol and then Trump gives them a cabinet appointment
Me: At 44 I'm starting to think I might be on the spectr

Friend: WHY? DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT CAVES OR OPOSSUMS OR BIRDS OR FUCKING ROCKS? PASSIONATELY?

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