Author | Lightnews

Aqua Thomason

@aquathomason.bsky.social

29 followers 31 following 83 posts

Sassy 🏳️‍⚧️ comedian, writer, entertainer, and the kinda jokester bestie you need in your life. Plus, I have friends who'll post the bail.

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Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · 1d

Is it still called "dicking around" if there isn't any dick involved?

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · 17d

NEVER go on Google to search "Dirty Sanchez"! Also, NEVER do it in Google images.

#1. It's racist.
#2. It needs to be renamed The Dirty Hitler.

#ComedyPost

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · 19d

Would it be weird if someone admitted that during puberty they had a sexual fantasy about a three-way with Mr Rogers and his postman Mr McFeely?

Different strokes for different folks, right? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · 25d

Do Satanists play sex games? Like one of them is Father Merrin and the other is little Reagan? Or one of them is Beezelbub and the other is Rosemary?

#HappyHallowhatever

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Sep 22

If I told you I'm hiding in your bushes, would that stress you out? I'm not though bc I have severe allergies and I could die if I did that. My hands and arms swell up like the Michelin Man, my airways seize where I struggle for breath. It's a thing. I'm just trying to be helpful. 😉😉 LOL

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Sep 21

I'm always confused when a hetero woman tells me her man "f*cked her stupid".

Like what does that even mean? Did he miss the target and put it in your butt? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Sep 21

If Beyonce's song "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" was covered by a male artist, it would take on a whole new meaning.

"If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it."

If a gay male artist recorded it same thing, just far more expressive choreography.

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Sep 20

I saw some lame a** ghost joke on Instagram, which got me to thinking. I'm not gonna wait til next month to post it.

What kind of car does a ghost drive?
A Boo-gati. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Sep 13

I'm sharing one of my Facebook posts. I wanted to keep this account for my comedy. But, I wanted to try putting love into the universe. We'll see how this goes. I'm not optimistic about it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Sep 7

Is female tea bagging called clam dipping? Cuz if not, it should be. Just saying

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 31

Snoop Dogg became a Trumper this year. He sold out faster than Plan B after Spring Break.

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 24

Do you think the Bee Gees song "More Than A Woman" was about a chick with a d*ck?

#TransComedy

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 22

The new season of Match Game on ABC sucks harder at being funny than Riley Gaines sucks at competitive swimming

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 22

The new season of Match Game on ABC sucks harder at being funny than Greg Abbott sucks at walking.

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 22

Watching the new season of Match Game on ABC is more painful than being Kristi Noem's puppy

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 22

The new season of Match Game on ABC is dryer than my deceased grandma's vagina. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 22

Watching the new season of Match Game on ABC is more painful than watching Kanye West give an interview on Fox News.

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 22

Watching the new season of Match Game on ABC is more painful than getting fisted by John Cena & Dave Bautista at the same time, no lube.

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 22

Watching the new season of Match Game on ABC is more painful than watching Eric Trump attempt to sound intelligent.

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 22

Watching the new season of Match Game on ABC is more painful than trying to listen to a Bravo Housewife sing.

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 22

Watching the new season of Match Game on ABC is more painful than ignoring the stench while standing next to you know who.

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 22

Watching the new season of Match Game on ABC is more painful than working for the props department on the set of "Rust".

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 18

I wrote a theology joke while waiting for my morning coffee to kick in. Decaf be damned. I'm a full caf coffee drinker.

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 15

Putin is smiling because he knows Trump is about to gargle them balls.

Aqua Thomason @aquathomason.bsky.social · Aug 14

Avocados are fruits in vegetable drag, just like tomatoes.

So that makes every salad a drag show and guacamole a fruity orgy.

Just saying. 😉😉