Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are provided by Past Life Discount Warehouse. This month's special: 50% off forgotten politicians complete with outdated platforms and antiquated speech.
When the entire eighth grade trick or treated Principal Pratt she told them to go back to class. The next day, after the fire department extinguished the fires, the fire chief explained, “Maybe you should look up the ‘trick’ part before you turn trick or treaters away.” #TwtStory
When their kids didn’t return from the Halloween hay ride, the parents drove to the hay field. But it was abandoned, save for the circular scorch mark. “We should have known,” Tim Rogers’ mother told reporters. “The crop circles and mother ship might have warned us.” #TwtStory
The Jones had just moved to Salt Lake City and were prepared for Mormon themed costumes. Sure enough they saw Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Harriet Page Young and L. Ron Hubbard? When asked the kid said, “My dad moved here to convert all the suckers ripe for plucking.” #TwtStory
Bob and Jan took photos of their kids in their Halloween costumes. Jan as Kpop demon hunter Rumi. Billy as a Lego Han Solo. Tim as the shark from jaws. The Zombie. “Wait,” Bob said. “We only have three kids. Who’s in the zombie costume?” Turns out it wasn’t a costume. #TwtStory
John knew Janice would be angry but he sneaked a piece of Halloween candy any way. A sharp pain ran through his mouth. He fell to the floor, bleeding to death. “What kind of monster would put a razor in children’s candy?” His wife said, “No, dear. That was your candy.” #TwtStory
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Fidel cooked tender crusted boar steaks and pomme frittes with chipotle mayo for the Celebrity Chef Cook-Off. He stole the show. Fortunately, police caught him in the next county.
Carol slayed everyone at Celebrity Chef Cook-Off with puffer fish and jicama slaw. The judge gave her twenty-five to life for involuntary manslaughter.
Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are subcontracted to a struggling standup comic in Mumbai. His parents fear he will never marry and never leave their house.
