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The Onion

@theonion.com

1.3M followers 3 following 4.5K posts

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The Onion @theonion.com · 11d

1 Onion Subscriber vs 20 Non-Subscribers on our new series: Encircled. Subscribe at https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001bfegPAAQ to get the paper delivered to your door.

The Onion @theonion.com · 1h

Our clothing items have all the correct holes marked for easy application.
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'I Ask Every Trick-Or-Treater' Headline T-Shirt

The Onion @theonion.com · 1h

Injured Player Gives Thumbs-Down While Being Carted Off Field

Injured Player Gives Thumbs-Down While Being Carted Off Field

The Onion @theonion.com · 2h

Government Shutdown Causes Flight Delays
https://theonion.com/government-shutdown-causes-flight-delays/

“I hope it gets sorted out before my plane starts to land.”

Adam Welch, Calculator Salesman

The Onion @theonion.com · 2h

Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady https://theonion.com/panicking-flu-swears-it-didn-t-mean-to-kill-old-lady-1819574374/

Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady

The Onion @theonion.com · 3h

Israel Warns Gaza Still Harboring Hundreds Of Doctors https://theonion.com/israel-warns-gaza-still-harboring-hundreds-of-doctors-1850964439/

Israel Warns Gaza Still Harboring Hundreds Of Doctors

The Onion @theonion.com · 4h

California To Phase Out Ultra-Processed Foods In School Lunches
https://theonion.com/california-to-phase-out-ultra-processed-foods-in-school-lunches/

“They’re just going to trade with the kids in Arizona.”

Kayla Estes, Digital Chauffeur

The Onion @theonion.com · 4h

Political Profile: Russell Vought https://theonion.com/political-profile-russell-vought/

Biggest Pet Peeve: Others’ free will

The Onion @theonion.com · 5h

Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now https://theonion.com/childhood-best-friend-would-never-make-the-cut-now/

Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now

The Onion @theonion.com · 6h

Who Is Ghislaine Maxwell? Find out by watching 'The Onion Investigates: Jeffery Epstein' on The Onion here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjhSoGcQhWU

The Onion @theonion.com · 7h

‘Try Not To Stare At Her Mouth,’ Says Mom In Ominous Update On Grandma’s Health

‘Try Not To Stare At Her Mouth,’ Says Mom In Ominous Update On Grandma’s Health

The Onion @theonion.com · 8h

Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills https://theonion.com/financial-advisors-recommend-throwing-away-unopened-bills/

Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills

The Onion @theonion.com · 9h

Man Panics After Reaching Age Where Parents Prematurely Started Family

Man Panics After Reaching Age Where Parents Prematurely Started Family

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Fulfill your destiny. Buy Onion Merch.
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Global Tetrahedron: Infinite Growth Forever Hoodie

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately https://theonion.com/nation-s-indigenous-people-confirm-they-don-t-need-spec-1839033177/

Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Ohio Begins Executing Random People In Hopes They’re Criminals https://theonion.com/ohio-begins-executing-random-people-in-hopes-they-re-cr-1851218315/

Ohio Begins Executing Random People In Hopes They’re Criminals

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Judge Orders Columbus Statue Removed And Melted Down Into Pinkie Rings For Local Italians https://theonion.com/judge-orders-columbus-statue-removed-and-melted-down-in-1851178112/

Judge Orders Columbus Statue Removed And Melted Down Into Pinkie Rings For Local Italians

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn https://theonion.com/first-orgy-after-brians-death-very-solemn-1819569410/

First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Columbus Day Protests Once Again Erupt As Nation Struggles With Its Dark, Anti-Italian Past https://theonion.com/columbus-day-protests-once-again-erupt-as-nation-strugg-1829604693/

Columbus Day Protests Once Again Erupt As Nation Struggles With Its Dark, Anti-Italian Past

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Inside Epstein's Criminal Enterprise. Find out more by watching 'The Onion Investigates: Jeffery Epstein' by The Onion here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjhSoGcQhWU

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Ghoul Americans Celebrate Demonic Heritage Month https://theonion.com/ghoul-americans-celebrate-demonic-heritage-month/

Ghoul Americans Celebrate Demonic Heritage Month

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Impressionable Teen Falls In With Wrong Socioeconomic Class https://theonion.com/impressionable-teen-falls-in-with-wrong-socioeconomic-class/

Impressionable Teen Falls In With Wrong Socioeconomic Class

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Area Man's Ex-Girlfriend Glad She Bumped Into Him https://theonion.com/area-mans-ex-girlfriend-glad-she-bumped-into-him-1819564583/

Area Man's Ex-Girlfriend Glad She Bumped Into Him

The Onion @theonion.com · 2d

What To Know About NSPM-7 https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-nspm-7/

Q: Is this like that book Minority Report was based on?

A: We’d avoid referencing books from now on.

The Onion @theonion.com · 2d

Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible https://theonion.com/aaron-rodgers-suffers-torn-cerebellum-after-attempting-telepathic-audible/

Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible

The Onion @theonion.com · 2d

Marital Frustrations Channeled Through Thermostat

Marital Frustrations Channeled Through Thermostat