Author | Lightnews

Sean Patrick

@seanptellsjokes.bsky.social

77 followers 76 following 1.3K posts

I don’t know what your opinion is of European newspapers like Le Monde and Die Welt, but they mean the world to me. https://youtu.be/a7TrgcHupo0?si=x84By3r1pec4o-KT

youtu.be

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Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 9h

I don’t mean to boast, but I’ve had sex with more sexy Italian women than you’ve had hot donnas.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 9h

“I’ve got a lot to give the right person.”
“You’re looking for love?”
“No, I’m a drug mule.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 9h

I can’t claim to be a massive Shadows fan. My knowledge of their work is Apache at best.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 1d

I came here to chew bubblegum and misquote films - and I’m going out for some more bubblegum.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 1d

Do you think Woody Allen is actually a paedophile or is he just having a kid-wife crisis?

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 1d

Told a pumpkin today that it was nearly #Halloween and his face lit up.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 3d

Camus wrote a book called "The Myth Of Sisyphus". No myth, mate - my grandad had it. Cairo during the war. Gran was furious.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 3d

“I’d love to be a fly on the wall in Madonna’s bathroom!”
“Why?”
“I’m a coprophiliac.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 4d

If smoking's so bad for your health, how come you never see a beagle at the doctor's?

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 6d

My name is Steven
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes, I think you’ve seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight
That’s probably my neighbour Luka

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 8d

“Actually, the swastika was originally a Hindu symbol for peace.”
“Likewise, the massive spunking cock and bollocks I’ve engraved on your car bonnet was once used in cave paintings to bring fertility.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 8d

I kind of miss playing on the X-box.

Though, if you believe what SHE says, me calling it her “box” is the reason she’s my ex.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 8d

I met a traveller from an antique land,
Who said - “Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert … their knees have gone all
Trembly.”

Percy Bysshe Shelley, “OzyArdilles”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 10d

Spare the rod, spoil the jane and freddy.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 11d

Doctor: “I want you to defecate into this Tupperware container and bring it to me so I can test it.”
Me: “So, you’re a doctor. What made you come to speed dating?”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 11d

Can’t be doing with #TheShining . We’ve all stayed in a rubbish hotel, mate - leave a review and move on.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 11d

I wish Mumford had worn a condom.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 11d

Hey guys - have you tried bacon? It's delicious. Kind of like omnivores' halloumi.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 11d

I want to thank the people who helped me come through my tanning addiction. You were with me in my darkest hours.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 11d

"I get up when I want to, except every single morning, when I get rudely awakened by two elephants fucking in a very confined space."

Noah's Arklife

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 11d

Loads of magpies on my balcony. Reminds me of that old poem:

One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for a girl
Four thousand for a Hitchcock film

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 11d

Friend with dog: “He’s such a clever boy, he understands everything you say!”
Me: “Really? Because I’ve told him to fuck off three times now, yet here he still is.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 12d

Remember, remember the fifth of November. Otherwise you will find there is a day missing from the month and your calendar won't work.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 12d

Spoiler for anyone who hasn't ever seen The Mousetrap.

It's not even a real mouse.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 12d

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.”

“Your Honour, my client appreciates your commitment to fairness, but respectfully asks you when he might get his shoes back, as he has work in the morning.”