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Paul Eggleston

@pauleggleston.bsky.social

5.1K followers 290 following 900 posts

I put the 'cool' in 'convoluted'. Well, actually I put the 'convol' in 'convoluted' so you just have to take the 'nv' bit out of 'convol', and push the 'co' and the 'ol' together to make 'cool'. www.pauleggleston.com My book: https://amzn.eu/d/9DrMuOS

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 5d

I've invented a new saying, 'as proud as a Frenchman making strawberry butter', which I'm sure you'll agree is a lovely churn of fraise.

#LunchPun

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 3h

There's a good chance that Freddy Krueger has alternative glove attachments for use around the kitchen. I bet he's got a few scary tongs in the closet.

#Lunchpun

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 19h

Never mind being put on a pedestal, I want to BE the pedestal. A plinth among men.

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 19h

When I was forced to sell my drum kit and gig using kitchen pots and pans instead, that's when I knew I'd hit wok bottom.

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · Nov 22

- Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It's a prank, I don't know what else to call it.
- Shenanigan?
- Don't you start.

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Reposted by Paul Eggleston

Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 1d

Apparently there's controversy over GCSE Maths questions being printed in invisible ink, but I don't see the problem.

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 2d

The rollout of instant cappuccino mix in UK prisons has triggered safety concerns, as inmates take to pouring the powder directly into kettles - maximizing foaminess, but resulting in clogged spouts and minor burns, sadly proving that too many crooks boil the froth.
#LunchPun

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 1d

Apparently there's controversy over GCSE Maths questions being printed in invisible ink, but I don't see the problem.

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Reposted by Paul Eggleston

Adam Sharp @adamcsharp.bsky.social · 2d

If there’s ever a Kenneth Branagh biography focusing on the many works of Shakespeare that he’s been in I’ll be so angry if they don’t call it “A Branagh in the Works”

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · Oct 2

I've called my baby goat 'Humphrey Bogart', because it has a lopsided head.

Ears looking askew, kid.

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 2d

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 4d

I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart
But you've got constriction down to an art
You think you're a genius, you drive me up the wall
You're a regular original, make it small
Okay, so you're Rick Moranis from 'Honey I Shrunk The Kids'
That don't compress me much

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 4d

When my friend, Dr Lecter, found out that I own one of Marcel Marceau's cryogenically frozen buttocks, he asked for a sliver, which was a bit cheeky, so I gave him a piece of mime hind.

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 4d

My wife likes me to give her a piggyback to the cashpoint but she said it's my fault that she struggles to reach the money. I do wish she wouldn't take it out on me.

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · Jan 19

- I keep dreaming about rodents drowning in treacle, crying out for some cheddar.
- Mice in syrup holler 'CHEESE'?
- Hey it's not your fault.

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 4d

Nile Rodgers was telling me how a former UK Prime Minister converted all his band mates to Catholicism, and maybe I should consider following suit! I thought, he's got a Blair-faithed Chic!

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Reposted by Paul Eggleston

Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 5d

I've invented a new saying, 'as proud as a Frenchman making strawberry butter', which I'm sure you'll agree is a lovely churn of fraise.

#LunchPun

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 4d

I've written an inflatable book called 'The Acid House Years - 1987'. You have to pump up the volume.

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 4d

Her fragrance brought back memories of when I worked in a ramshackle hut at a posh racecourse. She told me she was from Edinburgh. This didn't surprise me, as she had Ascot shack scent.

Reposted by Paul Eggleston

Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 4d

- Just wanted to let you know that a group of insurgents with untidily-tied ribbons in their hair have seized control of the French government today.
- Messy bow coup?
- You're very welcome.

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 4d

- I've just checked into a hotel and there's a desert tribe here holding an event in celebration of the humble biro.
- Bedouin Bic fest?
- No, all inclusive.

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 4d

- Just wanted to let you know that a group of insurgents with untidily-tied ribbons in their hair have seized control of the French government today.
- Messy bow coup?
- You're very welcome.

1 6 31

Reposted by Paul Eggleston

Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · Nov 13

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 4d

- I've just checked into a hotel and there's a desert tribe here holding an event in celebration of the humble biro.
- Bedouin Bic fest?
- No, all inclusive.

2 3 21

Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 5d

😂
I found a suspicious fibre in a tub of margarine. My wife thinks it could be off someone's head, but I can't believe it's not butthair...

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Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 5d

I've invented a new saying, 'as proud as a Frenchman making strawberry butter', which I'm sure you'll agree is a lovely churn of fraise.

#LunchPun

12 33 250