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5 Second Film Reviews

5 Second Film Reviews

@opusga.bsky.social

210 followers 77 following 2.4K posts

Concise film reviews (mostly). Watching a lot of bad films so you don't have to.

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5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 6h

🎬 So Tobe Hooper has 2 good films (Poltergeist doesn’t count)
Raw like TCM yet otherworldly, insane chaos. I was mesmerized by Neville Brand and his lunatic Cajun. The lighting and overall presentation is not reality which is juxtaposed against grainy raw footage. Wild.

Eaten Alive (1976) ⭐ 5.5 | Horror, Thriller

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 12h

The ending, while different, is far closer to what I suspect would happen and the character of Barbara now is more than a gibbering mess and has real agency. The only way in which the original is better is it has more tension which was traded for realistic makeup effects.
Good stuff!

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 12h

🎬 I have no idea why Romero decided to remake his movie (he wrote and produced this along with the other guy who did the original) and let Tom Savini direct. But I find this one better in almost every way.

cont...

Night of the Living Dead (1990) ⭐ 6.8 | Horror

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 13h

The whole production is so cold you don’t give a crap about any of these people. So who cares? There isn’t even really any cool imagery to keep interest.

Bunch of crap.

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 13h

The whole point could have been made in 15-20 minutes - which is the abused become the abusers and sometimes worse.

Yes the violence here is primarily against kids and there is a Nazi tie-in so I guess that upsets people, but compared to even Schindlers List - this just isn’t.

cont...

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 13h

🎬 I’m going to have to go against the grain on this one. Lots of people praising this as truly deep and disturbing where I found it slow, boring and frankly, trite. Granted I’m saying this coming from 2025 and with a vast film watch history - but it’s just not good.

cont...

In a Glass Cage (1986) ⭐ 6.7 | Drama, Horror, Thriller

1h 50m | Unrated

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 1d

🎬 It’s got some plot / direction issues but overall a pretty decent supernatural thriller.

Gothika (2003) ⭐ 5.8 | Horror, Mystery, Thriller

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 1d

The last Universal pairing of these two. Karloff was a rising star (hence the one name billing) where Lugosi was a falling one (having to remind people he was Dracula). Karloff was paid 2x the salary for 1/2 the screen time.

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 1d

🎬 Karloff here proves again he’s the more nuanced actor but this is Lugosi’s show and what a show. He is just relishing his role being evil. And while the stupid Hollywood Code muted the horror here - there is still ample fun to be found.

The Raven (1935) ⭐ 6.8 | Crime, Horror

1h 1m | Approved

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 1d

🎬 So, so boring and poorly acted. Pass.

No Tears in Hell (2025) ⭐ 4.7 | Crime, Horror

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 1d

🎬 The plot was so incredibly dumb I don’t even know where to begin - that being said it was also a decent watch. The execution made up for all the dumb.

Cuckoo (2024) ⭐ 5.7 | Horror, Mystery, Thriller

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 2d

🎬 “Jump Scare - The Movie”
Fast cuts to ghosts or shocking things with the loud music or sound effect. It was exhausting honestly because the entire thing was like that - which is a shame because there was a solid film here ruined by directing choices. Had it been slowed down, man, the potential.

The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia (2013) ⭐ 5.3 | Drama, Horror, Mystery

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 2d

🎬 Strong start to a camp homage to 1980’s slashers, which devolves over time. The longer it runs the thinner the concept gets and hits the limitations of the writers. The last 10 minutes are quite silly. Shame.

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp (2012) ⭐ 4.5 | Comedy, Horror

1h 30m | Not Rated

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 2d

🎬 Christopher Lee, Herbert Lom, and Joan Collins are a heck of a cast. It’s sort of a murder mystery / hunt for hidden money with supernatural overtones.
Honestly, it’s not awful, if a bit slow to get going. Once it nears the end it really gets cooking and mashes up a bunch of genres well.

Dark Places (1974) ⭐ 5.8 | Horror, Romance, Thriller

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 3d

🎬 Mark of the bullshit marketing. Mark also of the boring as hell.

Mark of the Devil Part II (1973) ⭐ 5.0 | Drama, History, Horror

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 3d

🎬 Builds off Curse and ties in the original to make a great finale. Very fun.

Cult of Chucky (2017) ⭐ 5.3 | Horror, Thriller

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 3d

🎬 It’s a Saw movie. If you like them you’ll like it. If you don’t you won’t. Doesn’t make a lick of sense but who cares. It’s all about the traps anyway.

Saw 3D (2010) ⭐ 5.5 | Crime, Horror, Mystery

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 3d

🎬 What if Saw and Deathrow Gameshow had a baby? Extremely derivative but just like the Saw series the only reason to watch is to see terrible people die in creative ways. So it works at that level I guess.

Your Host (2025) ⭐ 4.8 | Horror

1h 29m | Not Rated

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 3d

Fun fact - the alien hunter is played by the same guy who wore The Predator suit.

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 3d

🎬 The original Predator. Alien comes to Earth to kill people for trophies armed with organic throwing stars. Faces off against Jack Palance and Martin Landau. Kills David Caruso quick - like his exit from NYPD Blue.
It’s cheesy and silly but fun.

Without Warning (1980) ⭐ 5.1 | Horror, Sci-Fi, Thriller

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 3d

🎬 Batshit bonkers! It’s so 80’s. I thought it was sucking until it just kept ratcheting up the crazy. Ended up being so much fun. Best part is when the guy hits a door with a cross and the door explodes!!!
Awesome

Superstition (1982) ⭐ 5.7 | Horror

1h 25m | Unrated

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 4d

🎬 B-Movie creature feature with Rod Steiger (for some reason)
The effects are impressive. The acting not so much. Not awful, not great.

The Kindred (1987) ⭐ 5.7 | Horror, Sci-Fi, Thriller

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 4d

🎬 Oliver Reed has a psychic bond with a giant snake God thing. It’s stupid and the snake effect is pretty terrible but Oliver Reed is so damn good that he elevates the whole feature. Takes it from garbage to watchable.

Spasms (1983) ⭐ 4.4 | Horror, Sci-Fi

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 4d

🎬 This is 1980 from the Troma guy and the women have… agency? They are intelligent? They fight back? Whaaaaat? Crazy talk.
That made it better than it should have been.

Mother's Day (1980) ⭐ 5.3 | Comedy, Horror, Thriller

1h 31m | Unrated

5 Second Film Reviews @opusga.bsky.social · 5d

🎬 1 - kinda lame
2 - So much better. Fun as hell
3 - also lame
4 - lamest
5 - meh
6 - better than 5
7 - meh
8 - this was an absolute blast! LOL
9 - derivative but not terrible
10 - silly

Tales of Halloween (2015) ⭐ 5.5 | Adventure, Comedy, Fantasy