Author | Lightnews

Moe Ottis

Moe Ottis

@moeottis.bsky.social

2.9K followers 25K following 3.9K posts

You cannot stop the Moe-mentum 🤘

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Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 1d

I’m secretly Turkish. Or I should say I WAS secretly Turkish, until the Cleansing happened. I’ve been living like a king ever since

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 2d

Charlie Brown has at least 5 illegitimate children (including my nephew Sammy “The Schizo” Ottis) that he refuses to recognize despite all the threats and rat carcasses I have mailed to his house

For this reason I will once again be boycotting “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” this Halloween

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 4d

Yesterday I wore my child prosthetics and went undercover to the jubilee studio to help them film their new video coming out next week.

“1 Big Blue-Eyed 5 Year Old vs 20 pedophiles | Surrounded (ft. Moe Ottis)”

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 4d

Here’s me doing one of my silly faces

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 5d

It’s the best toilet paper I’ve had in a while

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 5d

I’ll make it shine like a star

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 6d

Bear, Salmon. Ant, Boot. You get it now?

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 6d

They’ve got strawberry-kiwi flavoured toilet paper at Target now. It’s time to dig in 🍽️

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 6d

I was going to use it to drill a hole into my head until you specified that

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 6d

It’s the little things like this that get me through the day, thank you

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 6d

Drinking a beer made from eel slime and slug slime and frog slime. They call it the slime beer

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 6d

I was just invited onto Jeff Bezos yacht. Should I do it?

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 8d

Been getting into a morning ritual where I mad-max my teeth with a can of bear mace every day.

I’m doing it so much, I bit a guy who cut in me in line at Dunkin’ and he had to get his blood replaced.

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 8d

I’ve got worm fever. I’ve got a fever for WORMS

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 8d

Met a guy named John Hotdog and another guy named Tom Hamburger yesterday

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 9d

I was actually the 16th man to walk on the moon but the schools won’t teach our kids THE TRUTH nowadays.

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 9d

I am proud to announce that Moe Ottis Industries Incorporated posted a profit of 500,000,000 Moe bucks in Q3 of 2025. Turns out selling sweetened gorilla blood is a very lucrative business

On an unrelated note, does anyone want to help me break into the LA Zoo later this week?

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 11d

God talked to me in a state of ayahuasca-induced psychosis and he told me I need to turn the nearest IRS agent into goo.

I am just so god damn tired man.

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 11d

I am a beautiful princess

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 11d

Thinking about applying for Ugandan citizenship, according to my Moe AI program the benefits would be enormous

The only concern is that I might have to restart my cloning program to produce some Ugandan Moe’s. We all know how poorly that ended last time

Thoughts?

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 11d

I’ve started cleaning my fingernails with bleach and ammonia. It’s the only mixture that can kill the superbugs swimming deep within.

The smell also doubles as the most wonderful aphrodisiac.

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 12d

I had all my teeth replaced with false teeth hiding cyanide capsules years ago after I found out the KGB had a hit out on me.

Sometimes when I’m eating a big meaty steak some of them fall out and I have to be careful not to bite it open.

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 13d

I’m a real boy

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 14d

Just found a blue canary in one of my outlets. Im so frickin peeved.

Moe Ottis @moeottis.bsky.social · 15d

They took AirBud off of IMDB. I might Kill myself…