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J. R. Eldridge

@misreadbible.bsky.social

340 followers 200 following 5.4K posts

British satirical author and creator of The MisreadBible series, which parodies the Bible with irreverent wit and a dash of theological side-eye. https://www.misreadbible.com

www.misreadbible.com

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 16d

If you've been enjoying my posts, you'll love my books. Available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook (*).

The MisreadBible: Genesis*
A MisreadBible Christmas*
The MisreadBible: Book of Moses*
The MisreadBible: Gospel
The MisreadBible: Joshua

www.misreadbible.com/books

The MisreadBible Book Series

Explore The MisreadBible series — a collection of irreverent biblical parodies by J. R. Eldridge. Discover each book’s blasphemous brilliance, formats, and where to buy.

www.misreadbible.com

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 23h

The Lord said to Moses, ‘I’m getting tired of living on this mountain. I want you to build me a little house so that I can live amongst you. But I’m going to warn you, I am the world’s most anal-retentive interior designer...’ - Exodus 25:8-9

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 23h

The Lord said to Moses, ‘Tell the Israelites to bring me an offering.’
‘Well, what is it you want?’ replied Moses.
‘I want... a shrubbery.’ - Exodus 25:1-2

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

When Moses went and told the people all the Lord’s words and laws, they responded with one voice, ‘Everything the Lord has said we will do.’
Moses replied, ‘Jump up and down.’
They all began jumping.
‘Ah,’ said Moses, ‘I didn’t say “the Lord says.”’ - Exodus 24:3-4

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

You must not boil a kid in his mother's milk, nor can you shove a duck up a chicken’s butt and then shove the chicken up a turkey’s butt. You must not cook it and call it a ‘turducken’. This is an abomination to the Lord! - Exodus 23:18-19

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Work six days a week, but rest on the seventh. The seventh is what God calls a ‘weekend’, and he wants you to use it to drink beer and go fishing. Take your slave; the guy could use a break. – Exodus 23:12

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

For six years you are to love your wife, but during the seventh year, she is to go unploughed. – Exodus 23:10

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Don’t accept bribes. Unless someone pays you to, then it’s okay. – Exodus 23:8

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Don’t dispense perverted justice. For instance, wearing lingerie and stockings under your judge’s cloak or parading around the court in a gimp mask whipping people with double-headed dildos. Oh, and sentencing innocent people to death. – Exodus 23:6-7

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

If you come upon your enemy’s ass, be sure to wipe it off. However, if that ass unburdens its load… - Exodus 23:4-5

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Don’t follow the crowd in sinning. If the crowd jumped off a cliff, would you copy them? Yeah, I thought not. – Exodus 23:2-3

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 2d

Don’t spread rumours. Did you hear about that harlot in Babylon who slept with every man she saw? She was a terrible gossip, and God punished her by giving her the clap. She still whores around though. – Exodus 23:1

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 2d

You are to be my holy people, and as such, you are to be pierced repeatedly. – Exodus 22:31

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

If a wild beast savages one of your animals, throw it to the dogs; the animal, not the wild beast. You might want to chop it up first though; the animal, not the dog. - Exodus 22:31

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

Sacrifice your firstborn animals to me. Give them a week with their mothers first, so that they form a bond, but then tear them away from their mother and burn them! The Lord loves him some barbecue! – Exodus 22:30

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

You must sacrifice your firstborn son to me. I may send an angel to stop you, or I may not; depends on what mood I’m in. – Exodus 22:29

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

You must give me all of your juices. Take that however you like it. – Exodus 22:29

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

And for God’s sake, whatever you do, don’t blaspheme, God damn it! – Exodus 22:28

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

If you lend money to the poor, don’t charge interest. You can keep their clothes as a pledge as long as you give it back at night. It’s fine if they’re wandering around naked all day, but I don’t condone people sleeping nude! Exodus 22:25-27

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

If you sacrifice to any other god but the Lord, you must be destroyed! Not just killed, but completely obliterated! Because, how fucking dare you! – Exodus 22:20

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 3d

Anyone who has sexual relations with a bear deserves to be mauled. Just saying. - Exodus 22:19

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 4d

Do not allow a witch to live in your large intestine. – Exodus 22:18

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 4d

If a man seduces a virgin who isn’t pledged to be married, he must buy her from her father and marry her. If her father refuses to sell her, he must marry the father. - Exodus 22:16-17

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 5d

In all cases of illegal possession of property, where one person says, ‘This is mine,’ and the other says, ‘No, this is mine,’ and it goes on like this for hours, the first person to give up and go home loses. – Exodus 22:9

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 5d

If anyone gives a neighbour silver or goods for safekeeping and they are stolen from the neighbour’s house, the thief must pay back double. But if the thief is not found, the owner of the house must appear before the judges in spandex performing Swan Lake. – Exodus 22:7-8

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 5d

If a fire breaks out and spreads into thorn bushes so that it burns sheaves of corn or standing corn or the whole field, the fire must be punished with water. Naughty fire. - Exodus 22:6