Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

LightNews

McSweeney's

@mcsweeneys.net

49K followers 330 following 5.2K posts

The official Bluesky feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books. .

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

Reposted by McSweeney's

Paul McMc @paulmcmc.bsky.social · 14h

Your own fault for going to the dentist....[clears throat] in the middle of the ni-i-ight.

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 15h

"It’s out of my hands. Billy Joel and the American Dental Association reached a binding agreement sometime in the mid-2000s. Dentists across America are required by law to pump out 'River of Dreams' so that every patient hears it when they’re in the office."

I Am Legally Obligated to Play Billy Joel’s “River of Dreams” at Least Once During Your Dental Appointment

You probably don’t hear “River of Dreams” much anymore. It’s never on the radio, and no one is streaming that song of their own free will. But here...

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 4h

Good morning!

Why yes, I am the freelancer.

Did I complete my security awareness training module?

No, I ignored that email since I’m not a full-time employee.

Oh, I see.

Contractors are now required to complete those as well now.

I Am a Freelancer (In the Lack-of-Gigs Economy)

Thanks for reaching out. Yes, I’m interested in your one-week project, which you’ve described as a “sprint”—a fun euphemism for seven days of sheer...

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 5h

"There is a good chance the pope is feeling the same way. Try to break the tension by finding some common ground. When you catch the pope’s eye, see if he happened to get his hat at the same place by gesturing at your head and asking, 'Kohl’s?'"

So, You and the Pope Both Showed Up to This Party Wearing the Same Hat

Anytime you arrive at an event dressed similarly to another guest, things can feel a bit awkward. But the Vatican is notoriously secretive. You had...

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 5h

"This nation’s Young Republicans are more than just veteran political operatives and attorneys: they’re kids. And sometimes, kids say the wrong things. They can’t be held responsible for using slurs 251 times in just under 8 months."

Young Republican Kids Say the Darndest Things

“Thousands of private messages reveal young GOP leaders joking about gas chambers, slavery, and rape…. Vice President JD Vance downplayed [the] bi...

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 5h

"AI-Generated Zucchini Bread Recipe That Does Not Use Zucchini, and If Directions Are Followed, Will Result in Something You Can’t Truly Call Bread"

Honest Search Results for “Zucchini Bread Recipe”

Amazing (at Appearing High in Your Search Results) Zucchini Bread Not the Best Zucchini Bread Pretty Good but Still Kind of Dry and Bland Zucchini ...

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 6h

One month ago today. #LestWeForgetTheHorrors

September 15, 2025 – Seizing on the aftermath of Charlie Kirk’s killing, Trump administration officials threatened a broad crackdown on liberal groups. Although investigators were still working to identify a motive for the Kirk killing, Trump and his allies alleged without evidence that the suspect, Tyler Robinson, was part of a coordinated movement committing violence against conservatives. “We have some pretty radical groups, and they got away with murder,” Trump said without naming any groups. Added Stephen Miller, “We are going to use every resource we have at the Department of Justice, Homeland Security, and throughout this government to identify, disrupt, eliminate, and destroy this network and make America safe again for the American people.” The charging documents filed against Robinson did not suggest he was part of a movement; studies, including one removed days later from the Justice Department’s website, also show that far-right groups kill more Americans than other domestic terrorist groups.

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 2d

"Flip your lid when Sanjay from accounting says, 'Hey, nice soul patch.' Push him against the wall, press your thumb against his throat, and whisper, 'It’s a goatee, man!'"

This Is What Happens When You Listen to Too Much Jazz

Foot tapping (beats 2 and 4!). Head shaking (all beats, heavier on beats 2 and 4). Hand drumming on every surface—steering wheel, tables, grocery c...

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 2d

"We rode bikes without helmets, and our cranial injuries made us stronger. We weren’t delicate little brainiacs, and we didn’t get trophies just for participating in spelling bees—especially those of us whose bike-accident-related brain damage left us unable to spell our own names."

We Never Wore Seat Belts When We Were Kids and We Survived—Except for Those of Us Who Can’t Contradict This Post Because They’re Dead

Kids today! They’re always toting their Hydro Flasks and bottles of Vitamin Water around like they’re going to die of dehydration. Give me a break....

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"In an era when it’s exceedingly hard to learn what the Old Masters knew, Art + Water will impart those skills. These emerging artists must know how to draw, and from there, they’ll be taught everything Rembrandt was taught." - Dave Eggers

The Story of Art + Water

For fifteen years or so, I’d been kicking around the idea of resurrecting the artist-apprentice model that reigned in the art world for hundreds of...

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"Are my hot flashes due to an estrogen imbalance or a rapidly warming planet hastened by unaccountable oil barons who own our elections?"

Is It Perimenopause or the Fascist Death Knell of Late-Stage Capitalism?

Are my hot flashes due to an estrogen imbalance or a rapidly warming planet hastened by unaccountable oil barons who own our elections? Am I irrita...

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 2d

"I know I am not the strongest candidate. I do not have the highest GPA or SAT score. That is part of the reason why I am dedicating all 650 words of this essay to convincing your school that you should take a chance on me. Accept me, Dartmouth, and I will be your ride-or-die."

My Common App Essay: “Every School Reading This Except Dartmouth Sucks Ass”

PROMPT: Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What prompted your thinking? What was the outcome? The summer after f...

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 11h

Is your country mentioned in a Bob Marley protest song?

A. Yes, and our people were the ones everyone was protesting on behalf of

B. Yes, and our people were the ones everyone was protesting against
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/do-...

Reposted by McSweeney's

Charlotte Canning @cmcanning.bsky.social · 3d

So so so on point….

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 3d

"My first scene is on the Hogwarts Express, where I scold a male student for transforming into a butter churn that’s a little too female-presenting."

I’m Thrilled to Announce I’ve Been Cast as Stickles the Gender-Policing Elf in HBO Max’s New Harry Potter Series

The rumors are true: I’m overjoyed and not at all ashamed to share that I’ll be joining the HBO Max Harry Potter family as Stickles the Gender-Poli...

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 12h

SEPTEMBER 2025: From bombing Venezuelan boats, to scaring families with misinformation about Tylenol, to getting stuck on an escalator at the UN, to summoning the military to tell them to lose weight and shave, it's all here--plus, (unfortunately) much more. #LestWeForgetTheHorrors

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: September 2025: Atrocities 417-466

Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We...

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 2d

"Communication skills via email are unimpeachable and degrade only slightly when telephone contact is unavoidable. Candidate prefers solitary lunches in an entirely average corporate cafeteria but can be available for 'midday work sessions' on a semi-quarterly basis."

Moderately Motivated Gen-Xer for Hire

Forty-something professional seeks opportunity in an environment that is neither “fun,” “playful,” nor “collaborative;” minimal responsibility pref...

Reposted by McSweeney's

Bruce Gorrie @bsgorrie.bsky.social · 3d

Reposted by McSweeney's

Luise Loges @luilog.bsky.social · 1d

"What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?"

Call the police, I was murdered.

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"In what city did you first experience ennui?"

Nihilistic Password Security Questions

What is the name of your least favorite child? In what year did you abandon your dreams? What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress? At what...

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 3d

"While your proposal to increase the bed availability in your shelter from 80 to 140 by purchasing accessory dwelling units was a surprisingly resourceful plan, the budget and governance committees have identified pickleball as the issue that voters care about most."

Thank You for Submitting Your Homeless Shelter Application, but We’ve Decided to Use City Funds for Thirty-Five New Pickleball Courts Instead

Thank you for submitting your grant application for a homelessness shelter expansion. We received many competitive proposals, including yours. With...

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 5d

“I’m surprised you don’t know this, since you’re a doctor,” I said, “But NOT letting your monkeys jump on the bed actually has far worse consequences. I saw a twenty-seven-part TikTok about it."

I’m a MAHA Mom, and Here’s Why I Won’t Stop My Monkeys from Jumping on the Bed—No Matter What the Doctor Says

I’m a proud mother of five who is obsessed with keeping her monkeys healthy. Some people think it’s crazy how much time I spend making sure everyth...

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 5d

"I’m getting chills, and they’re multiplying just thinking about those jaws hitting the floor when they see I look exactly the same, going, 'Like for real, man, this is freaking me out, what the hell is going on with you?'"

Danny Zuko’s Internal Monologue as He Heads to Rydell High’s Thirtieth Reunion

Jacket? Check. Wallet? Check. Keys? Well, obviously, you’re driving, you big gavone. Okay, Danny, this is gonna be your night. They’re gonna be sho...

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 15h

"It’s out of my hands. Billy Joel and the American Dental Association reached a binding agreement sometime in the mid-2000s. Dentists across America are required by law to pump out 'River of Dreams' so that every patient hears it when they’re in the office."

I Am Legally Obligated to Play Billy Joel’s “River of Dreams” at Least Once During Your Dental Appointment

You probably don’t hear “River of Dreams” much anymore. It’s never on the radio, and no one is streaming that song of their own free will. But here...

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"Anytime you arrive at an event dressed similarly to another guest, things can feel a bit awkward. But the Vatican is notoriously secretive. You had no way of knowing what kind of huge hat the pope would be wearing tonight. Nevertheless, here’s what to do..."

So, You and the Pope Both Showed Up to This Party Wearing the Same Hat

Anytime you arrive at an event dressed similarly to another guest, things can feel a bit awkward. But the Vatican is notoriously secretive. You had...

Reposted by McSweeney's

Hoosier Homer is reading In The Ruins of Empire by Spector @hoosierhomer.bsky.social · 1d

This is not a joke. This is a serious introduction to a wonderful opportunity for artists of all stripes, the city of San Francisco, and visitors from around the world. Check it out, read the article, and maybe throw a fiver in the donation bucket!

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"In an era when it’s exceedingly hard to learn what the Old Masters knew, Art + Water will impart those skills. These emerging artists must know how to draw, and from there, they’ll be taught everything Rembrandt was taught." - Dave Eggers

The Story of Art + Water

For fifteen years or so, I’d been kicking around the idea of resurrecting the artist-apprentice model that reigned in the art world for hundreds of...

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 17h

"Our ankles and back may ache from the added weight, but we men are capable of enduring great pain to support the new life forming outside of us."

“We’re Pregnant,” Said a Man

Friends and family, we are so excited to announce that we are pregnant. Yes, both of us are pregnant. My wife, Minerva, whose body is furiously at ...

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 17h

"xKid’s Always Interrupting technology activates right when you don’t need it—merging onto the freeway, before you’ve had coffee, and it even barges into the bathroom when you’ve forgotten to lock the door."

After Many UX Improvements, We’re Relaunching the Small Child as xKid, Your Next-Gen Everyday Companion

Thank you for attending our company’s all-hands. It’s been an incredible eight years since we launched the first version of the Small Child. I’m no...