Opposing counsel’s brief: now streaming under Comedy > Fantasy. Plot holes, dramatic monologues, and legal fiction at its finest. Me: “Can’t wait for the sequel.”
Litigation? Scheduled. Color-coded. CC’d. “See attached. Per my last email. Kindly govern yourself accordingly.” Get in loser, we’re bringing receipts and redlines.
The harder you work, the more invisible it becomes. “Filed 6 motions, answered 34 emails, prepped for trial… but sure, I ‘did nothing.’” Change my mind.
Opposing counsel prepping like it's a bar trivia night, not a legal proceeding. ⚖️ “Your Honor, as supported by Totally Not Relevant v. Doesn’t Apply, 1973…” 📚 Meanwhile, the truth is just sitting in discovery.
Me, ugly-crying on the courthouse steps: 🥹 “We did it. The war is over. The emails can stop.” 3 years, 97 continuances, 4 mediations, 2 judges, and one blessed final order.
“Your Honor, my client would like to invoke… maritime law?” ⚖️ When they come in quoting TikTok and leave quoting case law after you do damage control.
When your objection wasn’t just sustained.... it was career-ending. 💁♀️ “If you wanted it admitted, you should’ve followed the rules.” 💼 Procedural flex: activated.
When opposing counsel gets grilled for the same objection you got roasted for yesterday… 🥲 Welcome to the “judicial whiplash” club. “Rules? Guidelines? Depends on the day.”
One involves legal databases, case law, and 10 years of experience. The other involves a Reddit thread and a YouTube video titled “How to Win Any Case in Court!!!”
Just another perfectly manageable Tuesday. ☕🔥 Triple booked for hearings, five deadlines due, and the client wants a full trial strategy… over WhatsApp. Totally fine. Everything’s fine.
