Author | Lightnews

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 41m

My wife gave me an envelope marked. " Not to be opened until 2026".
Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 5h

I'm watching a video of someone testing their indicators.
It's a TikTok video.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 16h

I fell off a 50 foot ladder today.
Luckily, I was on the bottom rung.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 16h

I was so close to winning the World's Most Congested Nose competition.

But I blew it at the last minute!

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 16h

When I first moved out
I got a locket with my picture inside,
I wanted to be independent.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 17h

My mate asked me if I could name any famous Syrians.
I said, "Well, there's Botham, McKellen,
Duncan-Smith.”

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 22h

Naughty genie: You get one wish

Me: I wish I was rich

Naughty Genie: You were rich.
(Next time pay attention in grammar classes)

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

I've got a job in a salt and pepper factory..

it's just seasonal work.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

So I rang my local garage this morning..
I said: "I've got a hole in my Volkswagen."
He said: "What model is it?"
I said: "It's a Polo.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

The solicitor tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your Blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 4.3.”

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

A good friend of mine has always lived by the motto "Out with the old.. In with the new" Great bloke... terrible antiques dealer...

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.

Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed.

( but I've turned it all around and that's what it's all about)

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

Dear Mrs. Stone as usual we are declining your offer to donate blood
For obvious reasons

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

This is definitely the worst night of the year to have to send up a distress flare

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

I couldn't sleep last night, so I read the dictionary.
By 3 am I was past caring.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

Optician told me I'm shortsighted...didn't see that coming!

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

This weekend I went to a medieval themed orgy

A good knight was had by everyone

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

I'm off to the Hospital.
I reckon I've got
pneumonoultramicrosco picsilicovolcanoconiosis,
but, it's hard to say…

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

The wife is really unhappy about the bird table I made.

She only came 7th

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

Bands that never quite made it.

Huey Lewis & the Weather Forecast...

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

A man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart.

I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.
I used a Squeegee board.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

My cell phone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

Sang some Billy Ocean songs at karaoke last night.
They loved me!
They kept shouting "You are soul!"

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