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Dad Jokes

@dadsaysjokes.com

12K followers 1 following 1.7K posts

Your go-to page for daily dad jokes 👨🤣

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Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · Aug 20

Shout out to everyone who can remember every word to some random 80s song but can't remember the password they created yesterday

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 17h

I don't know how to act my age.

I've never been this old before.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 23h

Deep thought of today: When you clean out a vacuum cleaner.

You become a vacuum cleaner.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 1d

I asked my phone: "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

She said: "I'm Alexa you moron."

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 1d

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 1d

The man behind me honked at me for going 70 in a 50. So now we're going 20. Together.

I hope he packed a lunch.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 2d

I was meant to be rich I can tell by the way I spend money

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 2d

I went for a job interview at UPS.

I said, "Sorry I'm late, I went to the wrong address" - and they made me regional manager.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 2d

What kind of car does a Jedi drive?

A Toy-Yoda.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

I played our wedding video backward yesterday.

It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife's finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

She said: It's the guys duty to pay the bill at the restaurant, that's why it's called MEN'U.

I said, nah, it's both our responsibility, that's why it's called, ME'N'U

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

Math is hard, 15+15 is thirty...

But 16+16 is thirty too.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

Parenting is a lot like the bar scene:

Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again, and occasionally someone pukes.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

My boss said "You've been late 5 days this week. You know what that means, don't you?"

I said "I certainly do. IT'S FRIDAY!"

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 4d

I was going to be productive... but then the
dog looked at me funny, so obviously
we had to sit on the floor and talk about our feelings.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 4d

Wife: I used to worry my husband would turn into a grumpy old man at 55.

But thankfully that won't happen - he's already reached that stage at 35.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 4d

13-year-old me: Don't tell me what to do!

Me now: Can someone please tell me, step by step, in full detail, exactly what I'm supposed to do?

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 4d

When your wife decides to start a DIY project and 6 now you're an employee for a job you didn't apply for you don't get paid, and you can never quit...

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 4d

The man who invented throat lozenges died last week...

There was no coffin at the funeral.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 4d

Did you know, if you garden naked your neighbors will build a privacy fence at no cost to you.

Follow me for more tips!

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 5d

The only trustworthy person to keep a secret is your husband: he can't repeat it, since he didn't listen in the first place.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 5d

Respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 5d

There's nothing worse than having a
Cranberries song stuck in your heeeeeeead, in your heeeeeeead, in your head, in your head, in your head in your hea, hea, hea, head...

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 5d

What's the worst thing about ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 5d

You think you know stress?

When I grew up, if you missed a TV show you just missed it.

Forever.