Author | Lightnews

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · 4h

Vets are wild I took Louie in today with a swollen face, clearly abscessed tooth, weepy eye, and notable infection requiring an extraction and paid

*checks receipt*

$500 to find out that he has a swollen face, clearly abscessed tooth, weepy eye, and notable infection requiring an extraction

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · 3d

As a person who refers to a mandolin as a French Death Sled I aprove

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · 29d

My parents swallowed Tylenol, Natty Ice, religious fanaticism and Biblical literalness, Reaganomics, avoidance behavior, and racial erasure, and I promise you that Tylenol was the least harmful unless you hate rocks and birds

2

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Sep 11

Not a conspiracy theorist but can't wait for the coming UNRELATED zero tolerance reaction to leftist rhetoric from this administration

We're fine.

It's fine.

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jul 14

The twist!

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 26

Shit, been doing my satanic rituals wrong. Guess I'll switch to Pellegrino.

4

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 26

This is me with regular water

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 24

Jumped in a Lyft, first time in public in four days (depression, amirite?) and look not great and the driver says What's wrong with your hair? to whoever was on her Bluetooth in case you're wondering why I threw myself out of a moving car on 794

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 24

AND THEY'D DO IT AGAIN

7

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 24

I'm not gonna tell you how I know this but baby raccoons play in the same "I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds" false-confidence sandbox

4

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 19

I'd be way more inclined to find Jesus if church was held Thursday nights at 9:30 and served bottomless margaritas

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 18

Scientists the world over have spent thousands of years trying to figure out how to turn common metals into gold but no one seems to give a flying fuck as to why I can pee seventeen times the volume of liquid I've put into my body in a day

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 18

When you're finishing that last cocktail at 1am and Bladder whimpers "please don't do this" but you're all "take one for the team Bladder, Brain loves it!" and then Brain links hand with Liver to quietly murmur "I can't wait to hurt you in the morning you old crusty whore"

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 16

Getting my ass kicked by insomnia lately so I made a little cocktail of an edible and melatonin, a combo I like to call

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 16

Miss mine, hope your day is good 🦞🍺

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 14

Saw a gull in the middle of the road being a gull and a car was kind enough to slow down and go around them and I just screamed "Steve! Get out of the fucking street!" AND HE LOOKED OVER AND TOOK OFF

I have a sky puppy again this summer 🦢🤦‍♀️

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 13

Spider landed on my face, followed by the rather large beetle it was clearly chasing so I guess we're done sleeping for the day

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 10

"Oh come ON didn't we JUST fucking do this WHERE IS THE ALEVE"

Me, inexplicably surprised and angry every month for over 32 years

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 8

Staff Meal

Me: Is that goulash? Looks like goulash.
Line cook: It's not fucking goulash. It's taco sludge.
Me: Man, I had a craving for goulash. 😞 Must be my Germanish/Hungaryesque half.
Other line cook: What? You said you were half black?

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 8

On a brand new silicone bus and it smells like the inside of a sex toy in here

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 7

Yay!! two Christmases!!

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 5

"My" "insurance (?)" "my house(??)"

I'm looking into subletting my kitchen cabinets, read the room

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 5

Not sure exactly what holiday today is but I can tell you that my household celebrates by licking my hands and biting the fuck outta me

Mostly the cats but the gimp is getting better at escaping his crate 😬

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 4

Cats are wild because they're like I would like to lay there and you're like no I don't want you to lay there and they're like doing it anyways lol and then Trump gives them a cabinet appointment

Lemon Pledge 🍋🫡 @blermanic.bsky.social · Jun 3

Imagine being hundreds of feet underground

It's pitch black

And (vaguely) seeing a 10" hole

Filled with water

And you think

a young man with a shaved head is making a funny face while standing in a crowd .

ALT: a young man with a shaved head is making a funny face while standing in a crowd .

media.tenor.com