and my quarterly CT scan revealed a worsening thing, which isn't really even all that bad yet, but i'm still *so scared*, and death is the worst kind of goodbye of them all, and i just can't handle any of this

i need more TIME, and i need just a bit of space too, to process & reconcile all of this

i have a long, sopping wet history of not being good at even casual goodbyes. i've always been Mx. French Exit and i've always been an embarrassing, soggy mess at more permanent partings, even with people I barely really know. (This i think is from being parentally rejected as an infant)

part of this is the growing realization that the coolest & kindest person i know (besides my AMAZING wife) is moving out of state really soon, for good fucking reason (Ohio refuses to protect or accommodate trans people), and i barely even got to know her — my most meaningful friend in YEARS

i feel like something awful is rushing towards me at a speed that's TERRIFYING

🌞