I’m so fucking pissed off at reality, I just daydream or scroll on the stupid phone until it’s dark, n then I feel bad for being a failure and there is no escape lmao.

Got a Jobcenter appointment on Thursday. Dunno what the lady will mope about next, but that’s all for the year.

Will be on break.

Ya scroll through a list of jobs in your area and are immediately hit with “I can’t do anything” or “I’m too antisocial and can’t talk to customers”,,, the hell am I even supposed to work as??

There are no jobs fit for a whiny bitch.

I need to be successful at drawing but I hate it so much.

And ya can’t vent to anyone irl cuz they all have it worse than you, or make it about themselves, or they immediately hit you with the “get psychiatric help”… bruhhh it won’t solve anything. I still won’t get a job or money to afford being alive.

I’m gonna feel stupid forever.

Never had a plan. My plan for life since I was ~12 was “I’ll just kms when it gets too hard”,,, wow,,, phenomenal. As if that’s a solution to anything… fucking idiot.
Now what? You’re 26 and you’ve been stuck in limbo since idk maybe 2018? Cuz prior ya still had school or whatever to piss ya off…

Can’t believe it’s already December. Another year wasted. I can’t even remember most of it. (Or last year, or the year prior… I don’t know if I remember anything at all.)

Still have no job and I’ll likely be stuck living with my parents for all of eternity.
It isn’t “bad” here, I just feel stuck.

Reality really sucks overall.
Aside from my bunnies, there is nothing worth waking up for.

I’m tired.
I can’t draw anymore cuz it fills me with self-hatred.
But making art was the only way to get some sorta connection to the world (and positive feedback)…

There is nothing else to do.
I hate it.

We’re done moving lil sis’ furniture n shtick for her but she got a bazillion other issues rn and I’m honestly just waiting for something awful and irreversible to happen.

She hasn’t texted in a while and you gotta be constantly on edge and in panic mode.
(Tho I’m kinda getting numb to it.)

(Sorry, I only log in to complain and vent now. Can’t vent irl cuz everyone in my fam has it worse and I don’t wanna be dragged to a hospital for something silly again.)

Also, living with black mold in the walls for 10+ years prolly didn’t help with my asthma.

Actually, I can’t remember living in a place that never had mold… so it’s prolly more like 20+ years of living with it…

You can spray chemicals n paint the walls all you want, it’s still on the inside.

At least the heartburn hasn’t been cramping in my chest since summer. Still sucks to be unable to breathe normally.

Still got no asthma spray atm.
Just gotta sit it out, open the window, and try to stay calm,,,, or go to sleep so it resets by morning.

Need to change my diet lmao.

Procrastination be hitting even during semi-life-threatening situations… I can’t be for real.

Really hope the doc ain’t on vacation this time around.

I should take this more seriously, since if people don’t breathe they’ll actually get rekt for real, but I can’t be bothered.

I’d rather suffer and panic in my bed,,, just don’t make me go outside.

It would only take ~15 minutes of my day to take care of it, but I’d have to get dressed n go out…

It was great to not have to worry about missing any hypothetical packages that could possibly arrive at any given day (except Sunday) cuz bitches be ordering stuff online all the time, but can’t use their own damn address cuz they aren’t home most of the time…
But ya know who’s always home? Me…

At home I can’t do anything before 12, cuz I’m paranoid one of my sisters ordered a package here and I gotta be at the ready to accept it at the door…
cuz it would be an even bigger inconvenience if the package gets send back, or taken to a gas station or neighbor…

Also the building is a freaking hazard.

Concert ended and nothing was moving, cuz the only exit was blocked off by people trying to get their coats.
I didn’t even bring a coat and still couldn’t get out.

Imagine if there would have been a fire.
Super uncoordinated.

Mom has vacation, so she will watch my bunnies while I’m gone and I really hope they’ll be fine.

I cleaned up a bit yesterday, we are stocked up on food, and they have been surprisingly well behaved over night.
So they should be fine.