Except Choose Your Own Adventure. Those are pretty good.

My British wife is all “should we get chippy tea”, and I’m like “I think I want a french fry sandwich”

Best known for running a revenge porn website.

OK, Mr Puff Puff sounds like a Saturday morning anti-smoking PSA from the late 80s.

My stepmom used to get a huge bag of the bulk food cookies and my brother and I would steal them all week until there were two or three left and then plead ignorance. “We don’t know, it must have been the cat.”

Wait, I thought it just vacuumed the snores away.

Working out his father issues, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, probably the dumbest day so far and the least dumb day from now on.

Who did the president suck off, and when did he suck him off?

Oh, and Sleeping Beauty at the Palladium.

I mean, he couldn’t sell the opened can, and he just didn’t care that much. Anyway, huge tip and I went back there all game.

Another stadium beer story: I caught a Twins game at Target Field. Bought a can coozy at the stadium store and then a can of beer near my seats. The vendor opened the beer and then it was too squishy to get in the brand new coozy. So he put an unopened can in, and then just game the extra can.

So it’s all relative.

Three Men and a Little Lunch

#addlunchruinamovie

Not intentionally but somehow Siri misunderstood me and named the 6 am alarm “cancel”. Now he tells me “turning on your cancel alarm” five nights a week.

In Florida, 18 is “barely legal”. 17 is “barely illegal”.

Still kind of funny that this was the dude that ended Kevin McCarthy’s political career.