In the past I've had blood tests, then I've had nothing back and forgotten/put off contacting them for a follow-up. I'm prepared for it to be frustrating this time, but I don't want to let them brush me off again.

I was dreaming today about a life where I can accommodate myself a bit more, and have time and energy to engage in some of my interests. I just want to not be stuck in this state of hopelessness.

In their defense, they came in to let me know that the Curly Wurly is the sexiest chocolate bar because "it looks a bit like a willy"

-I can follow the same life path as a neurotypical person but might just be a bit socially awkward, basically. I've come to the conclusion that she was prepared to consider me autistic but not disabled, so when I've started advocating for my autism as a disability she doesn't want to accept it.

She said she thought I was autistic since I was very small so I don't think she ever doubted that I'd be diagnosed. I think though that she has a very outdated understanding of autism that there is "mild" and "severe" autism, and because I'm conventionally "smart" and can mask to seem "normal" that-

I was GOING to write more but Phizzy just walked in and interrupted my thoughts. How dare they. I'll resume rambling later if I remember

-means of doing so are denied to me by virtue of my having a job (the thing that's causing my burnout). If anyone had made me feel safe when I was leaving education, encouraged me to put my wellbeing first, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation.

I've talked before about the PIP process, and it's something I think about all the time. It's easy to undermine or ignore my disabilities because I have a job, and by that metric I seem to be "fine." I've felt totally backed into a corner wherein I can't escape the cycle of burnout, because the -

This week has made me realise how close I am to my breaking point. I need to live on my own timeline and advocate for my own needs, because nobody else is going to help me. My family will disapprove and say I'm not trying hard enough, but I have to put my own survival first.

-or reprieve, not even a job with fewer hours. I was so entrenched in that mentality that I couldn't even question it, and I was too numb and too broken to fight back anyway. I feel like I've spent most of my life on autopilot, pushing myself past my limits to live by everyone else's expectations.

-through hell to get through university, because everyone around me made me feel like there was no other option. Even when they could see how dire my mental state was, I was always just told to keep going, never to stop. After finishing uni I was pressured to get a full-time job - no space for rest-

-compounded by my autism, she gets so defensive and goes into "Everyone experiences that" mode. I think she wanted autism to be my superpower. She always talked about how good it was that I was autistic but lived such a "normal" life. And I think that has always really fucked me up. I put myself-

And you know I had to film a timelapse to motivate myself to do it

:)

That's all to say that I'm overwhelmed, and now that I've gotten some thoughts out, I'm gonna give my office a little tidy to help my brain. I'm even gonna post a before and after picture once I'm done 😎

-trying to do *anything* while my mind resists. If I wanted attention, there certainly are better ways of getting it.

-be able to do things just like everyone else. Better still, there's another voice that tries to convince me that I'm making it all up, I'm *really* just fine and I'm just lying or pretending. I have to ask this part of my brain, lying to whom? I've been sitting in my office, alone, for hours, -

Since my ADHD diagnosis I've been floating in this weird, liminal mental space. There's a part of me that tries to extend self-compassion and tries to come up with ways of working *with* my brain instead of against it. But there's another part of me that tells me I'm just making excuses, I should-

I *hate* how disorganised I am. It makes me so overwhelmed, and I've spent most of my life lying to myself and others to appear more organised than I am.