Local Turnip
@lordturnip.bsky.social
I kinda remember when things were slightly okay.
I love horror movies, cooking, music, and sass. 🍁
I love horror movies, cooking, music, and sass. 🍁
It's Black Friday. Your heart is racing.
You've just beaten a stranger to death with a stolen crutch to score a $13 DVD player.
A woman tackles you from behind on the way to check-out and you both careen into an air-fryer display. Your eyes lock. Three months later she'll be your wife.
You've just beaten a stranger to death with a stolen crutch to score a $13 DVD player.
A woman tackles you from behind on the way to check-out and you both careen into an air-fryer display. Your eyes lock. Three months later she'll be your wife.
November 28, 2025 at 5:07 PM
It's Black Friday. Your heart is racing.
You've just beaten a stranger to death with a stolen crutch to score a $13 DVD player.
A woman tackles you from behind on the way to check-out and you both careen into an air-fryer display. Your eyes lock. Three months later she'll be your wife.
You've just beaten a stranger to death with a stolen crutch to score a $13 DVD player.
A woman tackles you from behind on the way to check-out and you both careen into an air-fryer display. Your eyes lock. Three months later she'll be your wife.
Someone learning about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade for the first time ever: What do you mean the floating things aren't called floats!? The things on the ground are the floats?? Do you even hear yourself!??
November 27, 2025 at 8:41 PM
Someone learning about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade for the first time ever: What do you mean the floating things aren't called floats!? The things on the ground are the floats?? Do you even hear yourself!??
*Watching 'Love Actually' and seeing yourself make a cameo appearance*
"Oh shit, I forgot about that"
"Oh shit, I forgot about that"
November 27, 2025 at 4:41 PM
*Watching 'Love Actually' and seeing yourself make a cameo appearance*
"Oh shit, I forgot about that"
"Oh shit, I forgot about that"
In Toronto, the only way to use transit and get to work on time is by getting up at 5am and hijacking a bus.
November 27, 2025 at 2:13 PM
In Toronto, the only way to use transit and get to work on time is by getting up at 5am and hijacking a bus.
Starting a meeting by flipping over the nearest table and shouting "Forget everything you know about project management"
November 25, 2025 at 4:36 PM
Starting a meeting by flipping over the nearest table and shouting "Forget everything you know about project management"
I think we can safely assume that all businesses are bad, and all the rich people running them are evil weirdos
Campbell’s Soup VP mocks ‘poor people’ who buy its food in secret recording
Campbell’s Soup VP mocks ‘poor people’ who buy its food in secret recording
Lawsuit alleges Campbell’s fired worker who reported a VP’s recorded rant belittling customers and making discriminatory remarks.
www.newsweek.com
November 25, 2025 at 2:22 PM
I think we can safely assume that all businesses are bad, and all the rich people running them are evil weirdos
Marjorie Tailored Jeans
November 24, 2025 at 7:41 PM
Marjorie Tailored Jeans
BREAKING: America Declares Racism not Racist
November 21, 2025 at 3:35 PM
BREAKING: America Declares Racism not Racist
In this meeting only the person shaking this tambourine may talk. *slaps tambourine and tosses it to Debbie*
November 19, 2025 at 6:21 PM
In this meeting only the person shaking this tambourine may talk. *slaps tambourine and tosses it to Debbie*
Celebrating International Men's Day by affixing moustaches to the office walls with a hot glue gun
November 19, 2025 at 5:15 PM
Celebrating International Men's Day by affixing moustaches to the office walls with a hot glue gun
WARNING ⚠️
Do not make love to fire. Shield genitals and head for nearest exit.
Do not make love to fire. Shield genitals and head for nearest exit.
November 18, 2025 at 5:20 PM
WARNING ⚠️
Do not make love to fire. Shield genitals and head for nearest exit.
Do not make love to fire. Shield genitals and head for nearest exit.
Every time I read about a major internet outage, I'm like, good, keep it up. We could use the breather.
November 18, 2025 at 2:11 PM
Every time I read about a major internet outage, I'm like, good, keep it up. We could use the breather.
This is why you shouldn't have kids. Because that road eventually leads to them turning you into Grandpa Ghost-in-the-Machine.
November 14, 2025 at 2:06 PM
This is why you shouldn't have kids. Because that road eventually leads to them turning you into Grandpa Ghost-in-the-Machine.
Reposted by Local Turnip
John Fetterman looks like the result of a horrible spell cast by turning away a hungry old woman on a cold night
November 13, 2025 at 8:00 PM
John Fetterman looks like the result of a horrible spell cast by turning away a hungry old woman on a cold night
Kelly: No, no, no, you don't understand. Okay, yes LEGALLY he was pedophile. But he didn't have the pedo vibe, ya know?
November 13, 2025 at 5:39 PM
Kelly: No, no, no, you don't understand. Okay, yes LEGALLY he was pedophile. But he didn't have the pedo vibe, ya know?
Maybe they're afraid to release the Epstein files because there's simply so much material that it will cover the earth with papers, crushing and smothering us all.
November 13, 2025 at 5:35 PM
Maybe they're afraid to release the Epstein files because there's simply so much material that it will cover the earth with papers, crushing and smothering us all.
He pulled a squirt gun from the desk drawer and drowned himself in front of everyone. Took 18 minutes.
November 13, 2025 at 5:01 PM
He pulled a squirt gun from the desk drawer and drowned himself in front of everyone. Took 18 minutes.
You could post this any hour of any day, and we can all nod knowingly at the accuracy.
Like, holy shit america.
November 13, 2025 at 3:55 PM
You could post this any hour of any day, and we can all nod knowingly at the accuracy.
If we're lucky the northern lights will kill us all tonight
November 12, 2025 at 9:09 PM
If we're lucky the northern lights will kill us all tonight
I like to save time on work emails by using helpful abbreviations like STFU (Schedule the follow-up)
November 12, 2025 at 6:12 PM
I like to save time on work emails by using helpful abbreviations like STFU (Schedule the follow-up)
Sunflower seeds are perfect for when you want to put in too much effort for an undetectable amount of food.
November 12, 2025 at 5:01 PM
Sunflower seeds are perfect for when you want to put in too much effort for an undetectable amount of food.
omg I just realized I haven't even decked my halls I have to go
November 12, 2025 at 4:46 PM
omg I just realized I haven't even decked my halls I have to go
Well, America, it looks like your plans to starve Americans have been foiled again.
November 7, 2025 at 9:57 PM
Well, America, it looks like your plans to starve Americans have been foiled again.
Counting down to lunch like it's goddamn New Years Eve
November 7, 2025 at 6:24 PM
Counting down to lunch like it's goddamn New Years Eve
Cut to: Me in a sleeping bag outside a movie theatre waiting to buy tickets
FYI: Nearly twenty years after the last film in the franchise, Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz are returning for a new sequel to THE MUMMY.
THE MUMMY Franchise Rises From The Dead For New Brendan Fraser & Rachel Weisz Movie
Nearly twenty years after the last film in the franchise, Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz are returning for a new sequel to THE MUMMY.
dlvr.it
November 6, 2025 at 9:03 PM
Cut to: Me in a sleeping bag outside a movie theatre waiting to buy tickets