The only dead names I allow are Twitter and the Gulf of Mexico

That’s 8 snow days out of 11 total school days so far this month. I think the spouse is getting a little punchy

I left the house today.
0/10 do not recommend

Dearest scammer,

If you’re going to do this you should 1) target an area where there are tolls and 2) target a person who has left the house sometime in the last month.

K? ThnxBye

In the kitchen, some foods have a firm expiration date and other foods have a soft expiration date. Fish? Hard. Potato chips? Soft.

Socks have a hard expiration date.

Crème brûlée has me wondering, have we tried setting other desserts on fire?

I think 16 year old me would be damn proud of who I am. 20 year old me would be mortified, but that bitch was a mess.