BOSS: you're late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it's pronounced "latte" but thanks

if you’re attracted to someone, try playing hard to get until you stop talking altogether and become distant strangers in this uncaring world

I like that the Twister franchise has the opposite moral of Moby Dick, that taking revenge on nature is a rational goal you can achieve with hard work

If Dr. Phil is normal, I choose deviance.

"Whom Do You Love" by George ThoroughlyGood.

#GrammaticallyCorrectSongs

TIM WALZ: yeah if I was in a 90’s girl band they’d call me Old Spice haha

MANOSPHERE GUY: Deodorant enfeminates the gonads. I have a notarized letter from Donald Trump promising to make me Secretary of State

What are some sex positive sea shanties I could use to introduce my crew to the joys of maritime eroticism

probably the most embarrassing thing on earth is having to answer questions from an electrician. “Where’s your emergency disconnect?” sir all i know is somehow we have put lightning inside the wires

a girl asking for advice on fb said her boyfriend has "different views" from her and when i asked her to elaborate she said "he thinks we are in a dome"

Interviewer: what's your favorite kind of ice cream?

JD Vance: Hitler

My wife and I met at a 'Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President' class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

There should be a book about a hobbit’s journey

DEMOCRAT: you guys are weird
REPUBLICAN, chuckling: awfully rich for someone with the cranial physiognomy of a costermonger to be saying that

So much about our current political state can be explained by the fact that political reporters simply refuse to believe Republicans want to achieve their express policy goals