Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

Jonah Gregory

@arealjonah.bsky.social

I’m doing my part dot gif

Hi everybody,

It's Black Friday, a big day for us at The Onion, since we rely almost entirely on your memberships.

Our goal for 2026? More print subscribers than the Washington Post.

This is, somehow, feasible.

So sign up! A year of print is $75 for the year today. Help us do a very funny thing.

Join The Onion

Don’t just read the news. Feel it. Be among the first to feel the news.

membership.theonion.com

November 29, 2025 at 1:22 AM

Reposted by Jonah Gregory

Tim Onion

@bencollins.bsky.social

Here's a note I sent to our members about what we did with their money, and why we expect the Onion to outgrow the Washington Post.

We keep doing weird, hard shit — taunting ICE, yelling at Congress for not taunting ICE, buying bad websites — when nobody else does.

Our members keep getting papers.

Hey there Onion members,

This is Ben Collins, CEO of America’s Finest News Source™.

I am writing today, as we have arrived at a precipice in American life, to thank you.

Our government is employing masked oafs to kidnap our neighbors, ziptie our children, and play Call of Duty: Burger King Edition in several American cities. The White House, otherwise occupied with taping an episode of HGTV’s “Help I Wrecked My House,” is hellbent on politically mandated starvation of the indigent. Worst of all, America’s airwaves have been taken over by dull throbbing moans only recently identified by scientists as something known as “Morgan Wallen.”

In short, it is not a good time out there, and our captured media has been too scared to call that out.

But, because of you, none of that is true at The Onion. For reasons we don’t like or understand, our work has become increasingly important.

You and your contribution over the last year have allowed The Onion to thrive in this precarious moment — to take risks and to say sentences mere moments before those thoughts become criminalized.

We need your help in the next year to bolster that fight as things get precipitously worse.

Because of your support, The Onion is now the 11th-most distributed newspaper in the United States, sandwiched between The Boston Globe and The Chicago Tribune. In the next year, our goal is to crack the top 10, and to surpass the circulation of the propaganda project of a notorious space pervert, Jeff Bezos and The Washington Post.

We’re confident we can reach this goal with your help. Unlike other publications, which all appear to have a fetish for caving to an increasingly maniacal and unpopular authoritarian government, The Onion remains unafraid to print the truth, straightforwardly and without favor.

Due to your patronage in the last year, we have:
Published 13 newspapers since the relaunch of our print edition in September of 2024. Over the summer, by popular demand, we increased the size of the paper by half.
Took out a full-page advertisement in the New York Times “calling upon lawmakers in Congress to sit back and do absolutely nothing,” then sent this op-ed to every member of the House and Senate and all 54,000 of our subscribers. Thankfully, they took our advice, and now people are starving.
Drove the Onion Newsvan in front of protests and ICE detention centers, blaring headlines about ICE’s one true love: teargassing elementary schools.
Released Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile in over 40 cities across North America and later on YouTube, and let independent theatres keep the ticket sales. It’s still unclear if we can write this off.

And, a year ago this week, we successfully bid on InfoWars at a bankruptcy auction, before the judgment was overturned by a judge for — and I’m paraphrasing here — being too cool.

Yes, despite a legal bill that rivals the GDP of West Virginia, we are continuing work to acquire InfoWars and evolve it into an galactically sized depot of lies, scams, and miracle cures for all of the world’s awesome new and untracked illnesses. The Supreme Court — yes, this Supreme Court — denied Alex Jones’ appeal just last month, a last gasp at evading justice, and we’re hoping this clears a path to reinventing the dumbest site on the internet very soon.

So ahead of this holiday season, please consider subscribing to The Onion for yourself, your friends, your parents, or your infant. People love getting something great in the mail every month amidst their requisite bills and death threats.

Look, we’re an independent company, we don’t use AI to write headlines and make art, and we’re one of roughly three publications who are up for the fight. Unlike other places, The Onion is quadrupling down on being a pain in the ass, politically.

Are you?

If so, I hope you’ll continue to be an Onion member, get the paper, and help us deliver ulcers to those who deserve it.

Thank you, and Tu Stultus Es,
Ben Collins
CEO | The Onion

November 28, 2025 at 4:48 PM

Jonah Gregory

@arealjonah.bsky.social

Introduce yourself with five concerts you've seen.

They Might Be Giants
Weird Al
Ben Folds
The Mountain Goats
Death Cab for Cutie

Honorable mentions: Lots of smaller and local punk bands whose names escape me at the moment.

Nadia Oxford @nadiaoxford.bsky.social · 2h

Savage Garden
U2
The Killers
MCR
The Protomen if you can believe it.

Andrew Alfonso @andrewalfonso.ca · 2h

Smashing Pumpkins
Great Big Sea
Guns N Roses
Summersonic 2008 (Prodigy, Panic! at the Disco, Coldplay)
Summersonic 2010 (Smashing Pumpkins, Tribe Called Quest, Jay-Z, Offspring)

aaaand nothing after 2010 lol

November 29, 2025 at 12:06 AM

Jonah Gregory

@arealjonah.bsky.social

The smaller format collections are a great idea. The interior art is beautiful. They look good on the shelf. I’d recommend these as gifts for people that are wanting to get into comics.

A full size comic is behind it for comparison.

The Marvel Premiere Collection edition of Hawkeye: My Life As A Weapon. The art is both Hawkeyes and their dog silhouetted against the snow.

There is a full size comic behind it to show the smaller size difference.

November 28, 2025 at 10:46 PM

Jonah Gregory

@arealjonah.bsky.social

My local store had the Toni Storm vs Power Girl alt cover so I had to grab it.

DC KO number 2. It’s the alternate cover featuring Toni Storm vs Power Girl. They’re both pulling back to punch the other. They’re standing in a wrestling ring with a sold out crowd in the background.

November 28, 2025 at 10:25 PM

Jonah Gregory

@arealjonah.bsky.social

Hope everyone had a good and safe and salmonella free holiday.

Remember, turkey bones are a great way to start your “bones of dead animals” collection you’ve been putting off.

Jonah Gregory @arealjonah.bsky.social · 2d

If you forgot, don’t panic!

Leave the turkey out overnight to make sure your loved ones get salmonella.

Jonah Gregory @arealjonah.bsky.social · 2d

Don't forget to move your turkey from the freezer to the refrigerator 4 days ago.

November 28, 2025 at 10:08 PM

Reposted by Jonah Gregory

🐁 Luka The Mouse - SQUEAKROSS 🧩

@lukathemouse.bsky.social

I added this popup extension to my browser so it's even easier to see when opening a steam page: addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefo...

AI warning for Steam – Get this Extension for 🦊 Firefox (en-US)

Download AI warning for Steam for Firefox. Show the AI Generated Content Disclosure on Steam store pages as a modal popup.

addons.mozilla.org

November 28, 2025 at 3:09 PM

Jonah Gregory

@arealjonah.bsky.social

I hope you all had a happy thanks giving, I was watching some #mst3k earlier as is tradition.

The original advertisement for the MST3k premiere on KTMA. There is a black and white picture of Joel Hodgson as Joel Robinson with long hair and doing a smirk of some kind. He is standing very close to the original Crow puppet, who looks a lot worse.

November 28, 2025 at 6:35 AM

Reposted by Jonah Gregory

Range-Piper

@roodypatooti.bsky.social

sapphling: sitting anti-kink posters down in front of a wrestling match and explaining kayfabe to them with the patience of a preschool teacher

sapphling: You see that one? He's called the "heel." He looks mean and says a lot of scary things, but it's not real and he's actually very nice. When he says "I'm going to break you in half" you don't have to be scared because it's pretend. These two talked about this beforehand, and now they're playing pretend together. Can you think of any other situations that might be like this?

sapphling: *screenshot of tag that says
#crying and throwing up when you tell me the undertaker didnt REALLY die and come back to life all those times*
no that part was real

October 18, 2025 at 12:45 AM

Reposted by Jonah Gregory

Gravelord

@ohnojustino.bsky.social

I’ll be opening up a handful of commissions slots for December either tonight or tomorrow 🖤

November 27, 2025 at 11:19 PM

Reposted by Jonah Gregory

Range-Piper

@roodypatooti.bsky.social

October 18, 2025 at 2:07 PM

Reposted by Jonah Gregory

isabella mori

@moritherapy.bsky.social

Then as now ...

A cartoon from May 21, 1960. Boy coming home from school saying "our current events teacher keeps bursting into tears." Artist: Chon Day

November 27, 2025 at 8:49 PM

Reposted by Jonah Gregory

J.J.

@double-j.bsky.social

Spider-Man is a Thanksgiving Movie.

November 27, 2025 at 8:56 PM

Reposted by Jonah Gregory

the Mountain Goats

@themountaingoats.bsky.social

occasional reminder that pizza hut's slogan when I was a kid was "let yourself go to pizza hut" but that I thought, and still hear, "let yourself go at pizza hut," which is different, and in some ways predicts many of my thematic concerns as a writer

Discontinued Foods! @discontinuedfoods.bsky.social · 2d

Pizza Hut Wild Style Pizzas (1992-1992): A line of pizzas marketed as "crazy" and "outrageous" , featuring new topping and sauce combos. Check this 🧵to see the (supposed) wackiness!

A black screen with the words "New Wild Style Pizzas!" written in lavender and red font

November 27, 2025 at 4:03 AM

Reposted by Jonah Gregory

the Mountain Goats

@themountaingoats.bsky.social

when contemplating whether to participate in news cycle chatter* it's good to ask "might I more fruitfully spend my keystrokes reminding people that wolves are cool and badass"

*not gonna call it "discourse" I'm reclaiming discourse for undergrad semioticians

November 27, 2025 at 2:27 AM

Jonah Gregory

@arealjonah.bsky.social

If you've ever been curious about AEW, start with tonight's episode. It is literally the beginning of a tournament arc.

It will also fill you in on what story you need to know going into the matches.

November 27, 2025 at 2:32 AM

Jonah Gregory

@arealjonah.bsky.social

If you forgot, don’t panic!

Leave the turkey out overnight to make sure your loved ones get salmonella.

Jonah Gregory @arealjonah.bsky.social · 2d

Don't forget to move your turkey from the freezer to the refrigerator 4 days ago.

November 27, 2025 at 1:11 AM

Jonah Gregory

@arealjonah.bsky.social

god forbid a man have hobbies

GnollBreath 🍖💦 @gnollbreath.bsky.social · 3d

give it up for Henry yall

A photo of a saltwater crocodile. the caption says: he ate people, Father 10,000 babies, and just turned a 124...meet Henry

November 27, 2025 at 12:36 AM

Jonah Gregory

@arealjonah.bsky.social

We should bring this trend back for those trying to privatize water en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanged,...

Eric Wickham @ericwickham.ca · 2d

Ontario’s Government Claims the Province Isn’t Privatizing Water. Experts Are Not Convinced.

pressprogress.ca/ontario-clai...

Ontario’s Government Claims the Province Isn’t Privatizing Water. Experts Are Not Convinced.

“The way that this act is written creates this slippery slope towards privatization”

pressprogress.ca

November 26, 2025 at 10:06 PM

Reposted by Jonah Gregory

Alex Plante 🐀👑

@aplante.com

It's also up on Threadless if that tickles ya fancy

aplante.threadless.com/designs/no-a...

a blue t-shirt with the NO AI ANYTIME design on it

November 26, 2025 at 9:57 PM

Jonah Gregory

@arealjonah.bsky.social

Now feels like a great time to re-post this:

Jonah Gregory @arealjonah.bsky.social · 28d

Google your town's local food bank and donate. Remember money goes far if we all do a little.

Mine even had a PayPal link and let you choose to cover the transaction fee so they get the entire amount.

Do what you can. Things are rough and likely about to get rougher. We need to stand together. 💚

November 26, 2025 at 9:49 PM