enthusiastic nodding

it's actually the worst. what the hell are u supposed to do w/the ears bc i still haven't figured it out

that means a lot to us ;;;; honestly without the encouragement of others i dunno if we'd have come nearly as far with our work over the last decade. it's been a huge motivating force in our life

I have no idea if this kind of thing is encouraging to read, but I have always felt that if i ever inspire anyone, it is a great personal victory. this was mostly venting, yes, but I know there are people who admire my work and I hope knowing that I struggle too is reassuring on some level lol

....but fuck that. my work was good once, it can be just as good again. better, even. it is going to be difficult but I know what I am capable of, even if i don't remember how.

...and so the fuck can you, for that matter.

......... anyway. this vent post was brought to you by posemaniacs.com

I've seen it said that developing art skill is largely a process of learning how to push thru frustration, and I think that's the best way to describe it. this shit is agonizing, and it is too easy to give up and do something else that brings you less existential dread.

needing to learn fundamental, basic stuff. as much as I love this shit, it's never not hard. it takes effort and it can become frustrating and overwhelming.

...it's kinda reassuring, tho. we're all learning all the time. it's nice to know that we're all moving along the same path, at least with art

.... and this just goes to show, even if my work is admired by anyone, i still struggle quite a lot with knowing how to do *anything.* it's hard work. I take breaks, i forget stuff, i end up back at square one. no artist, not me nor anyone else, will ever be at the point where you stop learning or-

I think I have done a lot of good work. I have made things I'm really proud of. but now, I look at some things I've done this decade and I don't actually understand how i did it. I can't just sit here and rest on any laurels i feel as if I may have earned. I still have more shit to do

I am finally biting the bullet and doing some fundamental shit. figure drawing, 30 second random poses, sprints of ten each. do 100 of those, then look at your work.

it's hard. I hate it, passionately. but I have turned into a much worse artist over the course of this year and I want to do better

I have been doing this for so long that i know how to do a lot of really intricate production techniques, i can still give decent enough advice to people just starting out, and I have a decent portfolio with a broad range of work. but I can't draw a motherfucker just standing there. I short circuit

LMAO honestly yeah

oh yeah after beating artificer, rivulet, saint & STARTING spearmaster... I can definitively say that anyone who says saint is harder than arti or SM is a bitch ass liar

why is spearmasters campaign like that. WHY IS IT LIKE THAT

honestly I might lmfao. I rarely try to be funny here bc i don't think I am very entertaining thru text, I am a lot more charming in person imo. there's too much time to think about the stupid shit I'm about to say when I write it down

it is actually unbelievable how much of my behavior is completely arrested by social anxiety lmfao. it's like everything all the time. forcing myself to move past it takes up 99% of my energy and I use the remaining 1% to say some shit like "five pebbles mekabare" (I really should draw that, still)

*gets a tiny concussion (it is tiny bc both parties are bugs)*

...instead of typing up a mundane post, looking at it for a solid five minutes and psyching myself out of actually posting it because I overthink it to death

I do this roughly twice a day almost without exception

I don't have executive function on my own!! I've literally got a disability that affects that shit!! it's really hard for me and I don't do well on my own!!! fuck!!

idk this year has sucked but landing a decent job would be a nice endcap to a miserable experience