starting to think some of you may be losing your goddamned minds on the internet

A time machine but to stick that one little fucker right back into the ocean

Them: Wow, you went to a really dark place there.

Me: Clearly not dark enough because you found me to tell me that.

I get that but it's like wine and coffee and death metal you have to break through the initial horribleness to enter a realm of deep appreciation

A list of things we don't need in this dancery:
1. Hateration
2. Holleration

I sit at games with my eyes closed just to listen to the symphony of shoe squeaks

i do not care for basketball and all its squeaky shoes i think it should be played on a foamy surface and carrying the ball under shirts or shorts should be allowed heck give everyone a ball baby and the first team to quietly shush their crying balls wins and you lose if you decapitate the ball baby

Me: *bursts out of the bathroom holding a rhinoceros* I've got it! I think I finally solved the internet!

Rhino: You have an inherent misunderstanding of what the internet is. Now put me down.

Me: Not yet, I still haven't finished changing your diaper.

Just to prove a point to birds, I copulated mid flight in a twin engine Cessna.

A hardcore breakdown section that lasts for 25 minutes

enjoy!

Somewhere beyond the fog,
there is a breeze,
that will push this gloom away,
and reveal the sun to me.

If she orders her vibrators from
Temu, then she’ll definitely do that thing you like.

My favorite scar is from playing hopscotch on sharp boulders. Ppl ask how did that happen in hopscotch & that's when I know they're not gonna pop any cool wheelies

Was trying to get a pic of a bluejay in the front yard apple tree, so it obliged by hopping over to the porch for a headshot. (Not his best side)

#bird

ME: So why do you run?

DATE: Endorphins

ME: That's a great cause. No child should be left alone.

HER: Check please!

Don’t bring your ass into my dojo unless you’re prepared for me to wipe it!!

I wasn't born to sit at a desk and send emails, I was born to rob stagecoaches and rustle cattle

(My cat wearing a green visor hunkering over old-timey adding machine):

I thought I told you to deduct the new litter box

If you can’t handle me at my worst (crying in the fetal position), you don’t deserve me at my best (eating pizza in the fetal position).

Your mouth is making shapes and sounds are coming out of your body.

If you mix NyQuil and DayQuil it tastes like a Talking Heads song…