InDespair | CW: Grief & Depression
@indespair.bsky.social
CONTENT WARNING: MENTAL HEALTH | DEPRESSION | GRIEF
In despair. When hope is long past gone.
Self loathing of a fragmented mind.
Attempting introspection of a wasted life,
via the tattered thoughts of a widower.
Twice over.
This is not a cry for help.
In despair. When hope is long past gone.
Self loathing of a fragmented mind.
Attempting introspection of a wasted life,
via the tattered thoughts of a widower.
Twice over.
This is not a cry for help.
Pinned
Reminder, since I cannot place a CW tag on all my posts.
If you need a bit of gloom to provide contrast in your life, or if something resonates with you, good.
Afterwards, take the most important step for your mental health: walk away.
These posts will be here.
bsky.app/profile/inde...
If you need a bit of gloom to provide contrast in your life, or if something resonates with you, good.
Afterwards, take the most important step for your mental health: walk away.
These posts will be here.
bsky.app/profile/inde...
Dark thoughts. Darker musings.
Chronic Depression and self loathing based introspection.
Perhaps, an attempt to piece things together coherently
...one day, upon reflection.
Not meant to be followed.
This will not be fun.
There is no light at the end of this tunnel.
Chronic Depression and self loathing based introspection.
Perhaps, an attempt to piece things together coherently
...one day, upon reflection.
Not meant to be followed.
This will not be fun.
There is no light at the end of this tunnel.
I will not be poisoning your wellspring with my gloom via a comment. No one needs that.
Should someone stumble here due to that 'like' - know that it was not appreciation that caused it.
Something; some aspect touched me.
Or worse, made me grin.
Thank you.
Please do not linger, for your sake.
Should someone stumble here due to that 'like' - know that it was not appreciation that caused it.
Something; some aspect touched me.
Or worse, made me grin.
Thank you.
Please do not linger, for your sake.
What could have been
What ..should.. have been
And yet, why..
Did it have to be this way?
What ..should.. have been
And yet, why..
Did it have to be this way?
June 29, 2025 at 4:07 AM
What could have been
What ..should.. have been
And yet, why..
Did it have to be this way?
What ..should.. have been
And yet, why..
Did it have to be this way?
...
Warning: Dark, musings, turmoil
Warning: Dark, musings, turmoil
June 11, 2025 at 6:52 PM
...
Warning: Dark, musings, turmoil
Warning: Dark, musings, turmoil
...
Warning: Dark.
Warning: Dark.
June 8, 2025 at 12:27 PM
...
Warning: Dark.
Warning: Dark.
There used to be a boy that would visit. Sneak in to the garden to play with the dogs. Wife was the first to notice him.
June 7, 2025 at 7:50 AM
There used to be a boy that would visit. Sneak in to the garden to play with the dogs. Wife was the first to notice him.
Failed to mention I managed to do ...something to my foot.
Still needs more investigating.
Nothing visible. Seemingly.
Limping more than usual.
An excuse to see where my furniture-walking ability is at.
Still needs more investigating.
Nothing visible. Seemingly.
Limping more than usual.
An excuse to see where my furniture-walking ability is at.
The ocean calls to me
I am not fond of travel, but was ...compelled to, for reasons that have nothing to do with what I write on here.
Ended up on a beach. For days.
I am not fond of travel, but was ...compelled to, for reasons that have nothing to do with what I write on here.
Ended up on a beach. For days.
June 4, 2025 at 5:05 AM
Failed to mention I managed to do ...something to my foot.
Still needs more investigating.
Nothing visible. Seemingly.
Limping more than usual.
An excuse to see where my furniture-walking ability is at.
Still needs more investigating.
Nothing visible. Seemingly.
Limping more than usual.
An excuse to see where my furniture-walking ability is at.
The ocean calls to me
I am not fond of travel, but was ...compelled to, for reasons that have nothing to do with what I write on here.
Ended up on a beach. For days.
I am not fond of travel, but was ...compelled to, for reasons that have nothing to do with what I write on here.
Ended up on a beach. For days.
June 4, 2025 at 12:57 AM
The ocean calls to me
I am not fond of travel, but was ...compelled to, for reasons that have nothing to do with what I write on here.
Ended up on a beach. For days.
I am not fond of travel, but was ...compelled to, for reasons that have nothing to do with what I write on here.
Ended up on a beach. For days.
I worry when I start to feel good.
Almost always means something awful is around the bend.
Unfortunate.
Almost always means something awful is around the bend.
Unfortunate.
June 4, 2025 at 12:29 AM
I worry when I start to feel good.
Almost always means something awful is around the bend.
Unfortunate.
Almost always means something awful is around the bend.
Unfortunate.
When despair tightens her grip in fear;
I wonder and perhaps, fear; if I
Have accumulated too much hope.
I wonder and perhaps, fear; if I
Have accumulated too much hope.
May 18, 2025 at 3:21 PM
When despair tightens her grip in fear;
I wonder and perhaps, fear; if I
Have accumulated too much hope.
I wonder and perhaps, fear; if I
Have accumulated too much hope.
The urge to retreat. Erase everything. Walk away.
I fight the impulse every day after sitting down here.
Channeled it today, to mute tags and accounts.
So I don't take hours to scroll when browsing the poetry tag.
Glad I had not done so earlier.
Strange to feel accomplishment over that.
I fight the impulse every day after sitting down here.
Channeled it today, to mute tags and accounts.
So I don't take hours to scroll when browsing the poetry tag.
Glad I had not done so earlier.
Strange to feel accomplishment over that.
May 18, 2025 at 3:15 PM
The urge to retreat. Erase everything. Walk away.
I fight the impulse every day after sitting down here.
Channeled it today, to mute tags and accounts.
So I don't take hours to scroll when browsing the poetry tag.
Glad I had not done so earlier.
Strange to feel accomplishment over that.
I fight the impulse every day after sitting down here.
Channeled it today, to mute tags and accounts.
So I don't take hours to scroll when browsing the poetry tag.
Glad I had not done so earlier.
Strange to feel accomplishment over that.
I do not suffer from it;
I embrace an old friend; grief.
I embrace an old friend; grief.
May 18, 2025 at 1:17 PM
I do not suffer from it;
I embrace an old friend; grief.
I embrace an old friend; grief.
be wary, the impulse lies
May 18, 2025 at 11:54 AM
be wary, the impulse lies
...
Unbroken, the oath
Warning: Dark
Unbroken, the oath
Warning: Dark
May 13, 2025 at 8:35 PM
...
Unbroken, the oath
Warning: Dark
Unbroken, the oath
Warning: Dark
Have to compel myself to sit down and make an entry here.
The process, mostly navigating the litany of excuses; can take an hour or two.
Eventually, I manage to log on, brace my mind to make a post; takes up to thirty minutes at most.
The process, mostly navigating the litany of excuses; can take an hour or two.
Eventually, I manage to log on, brace my mind to make a post; takes up to thirty minutes at most.
Some days are easier.
The infrequency only means it is a little difficult to tell whether it was a whimsical fantasy or a valid memory.
The infrequency only means it is a little difficult to tell whether it was a whimsical fantasy or a valid memory.
May 8, 2025 at 1:06 PM
Have to compel myself to sit down and make an entry here.
The process, mostly navigating the litany of excuses; can take an hour or two.
Eventually, I manage to log on, brace my mind to make a post; takes up to thirty minutes at most.
The process, mostly navigating the litany of excuses; can take an hour or two.
Eventually, I manage to log on, brace my mind to make a post; takes up to thirty minutes at most.
...
Breathing
Breathing
May 8, 2025 at 10:07 AM
...
Breathing
Breathing
Waking in this dark again alone;
stepped outside to breathe in the night;
day has long been gone
Waiting for the tremors to subside;
swaying my way onward from this home;
one step at a time
stepped outside to breathe in the night;
day has long been gone
Waiting for the tremors to subside;
swaying my way onward from this home;
one step at a time
May 3, 2025 at 7:00 PM
Waking in this dark again alone;
stepped outside to breathe in the night;
day has long been gone
Waiting for the tremors to subside;
swaying my way onward from this home;
one step at a time
stepped outside to breathe in the night;
day has long been gone
Waiting for the tremors to subside;
swaying my way onward from this home;
one step at a time
That sensation;
once thriving home;
draped in stillness;
overcast yet calm.
That sensation;
a lone peak;
an empty valley;
awaiting rain.
That sensation;
allure of the ebb;
tempered yearning;
felt it within;
That sensation.
once thriving home;
draped in stillness;
overcast yet calm.
That sensation;
a lone peak;
an empty valley;
awaiting rain.
That sensation;
allure of the ebb;
tempered yearning;
felt it within;
That sensation.
April 29, 2025 at 8:13 PM
That sensation;
once thriving home;
draped in stillness;
overcast yet calm.
That sensation;
a lone peak;
an empty valley;
awaiting rain.
That sensation;
allure of the ebb;
tempered yearning;
felt it within;
That sensation.
once thriving home;
draped in stillness;
overcast yet calm.
That sensation;
a lone peak;
an empty valley;
awaiting rain.
That sensation;
allure of the ebb;
tempered yearning;
felt it within;
That sensation.
Soliloquy.
She met a boy; in their teens;
she died young;
cruel fate, I said.
She met a lad; in their 20s;
she died young;
never again, I said.
She met a man; in their 30s;
she died young;
no more, I said.
I have learned my lesson.
She met a boy; in their teens;
she died young;
cruel fate, I said.
She met a lad; in their 20s;
she died young;
never again, I said.
She met a man; in their 30s;
she died young;
no more, I said.
I have learned my lesson.
April 25, 2025 at 8:07 PM
Soliloquy.
She met a boy; in their teens;
she died young;
cruel fate, I said.
She met a lad; in their 20s;
she died young;
never again, I said.
She met a man; in their 30s;
she died young;
no more, I said.
I have learned my lesson.
She met a boy; in their teens;
she died young;
cruel fate, I said.
She met a lad; in their 20s;
she died young;
never again, I said.
She met a man; in their 30s;
she died young;
no more, I said.
I have learned my lesson.
First came Rage
Then Guilt
Followed by Woe
Now Weariness
Resentment tried,
I refused to let it stay.
I will not be led to
embitterment this way.
Then Guilt
Followed by Woe
Now Weariness
Resentment tried,
I refused to let it stay.
I will not be led to
embitterment this way.
April 25, 2025 at 7:47 PM
First came Rage
Then Guilt
Followed by Woe
Now Weariness
Resentment tried,
I refused to let it stay.
I will not be led to
embitterment this way.
Then Guilt
Followed by Woe
Now Weariness
Resentment tried,
I refused to let it stay.
I will not be led to
embitterment this way.
I had a tendency to accumulate scars;
deep, violent, unavoidable.
Scars, however, fade over time;
even the worst ones, eventually.
But those are physical;
and my body, unintentionally;
was the canvas. Gruesome.
deep, violent, unavoidable.
Scars, however, fade over time;
even the worst ones, eventually.
But those are physical;
and my body, unintentionally;
was the canvas. Gruesome.
April 25, 2025 at 7:11 PM
I had a tendency to accumulate scars;
deep, violent, unavoidable.
Scars, however, fade over time;
even the worst ones, eventually.
But those are physical;
and my body, unintentionally;
was the canvas. Gruesome.
deep, violent, unavoidable.
Scars, however, fade over time;
even the worst ones, eventually.
But those are physical;
and my body, unintentionally;
was the canvas. Gruesome.
It is easy.
One here, another there;
each one helps, in its own way;
nor am I required to live them;
easy.
Some, I use as a ladder's rung;
others aid in keeping yet another at bay;
a few serve as stepping stones;
easy.
One here, another there;
each one helps, in its own way;
nor am I required to live them;
easy.
Some, I use as a ladder's rung;
others aid in keeping yet another at bay;
a few serve as stepping stones;
easy.
April 23, 2025 at 4:42 AM
It is easy.
One here, another there;
each one helps, in its own way;
nor am I required to live them;
easy.
Some, I use as a ladder's rung;
others aid in keeping yet another at bay;
a few serve as stepping stones;
easy.
One here, another there;
each one helps, in its own way;
nor am I required to live them;
easy.
Some, I use as a ladder's rung;
others aid in keeping yet another at bay;
a few serve as stepping stones;
easy.
Navigating.
"Still smoking?"
(Lie) "Just quit"
"Drinking?"
(True) "Nope"
"Still gri- How are you mentally?"
(Lie) "Better"
"Good. Good. Well, everything looks good, then."
(Lie) "Good"
"Have a ride waiting?"
(True) "Walking"
Strolling
"Need a ride?"
(Lie/True) "I'm good"
Maintained buoyancy.
"Still smoking?"
(Lie) "Just quit"
"Drinking?"
(True) "Nope"
"Still gri- How are you mentally?"
(Lie) "Better"
"Good. Good. Well, everything looks good, then."
(Lie) "Good"
"Have a ride waiting?"
(True) "Walking"
Strolling
"Need a ride?"
(Lie/True) "I'm good"
Maintained buoyancy.
April 21, 2025 at 5:44 AM
Navigating.
"Still smoking?"
(Lie) "Just quit"
"Drinking?"
(True) "Nope"
"Still gri- How are you mentally?"
(Lie) "Better"
"Good. Good. Well, everything looks good, then."
(Lie) "Good"
"Have a ride waiting?"
(True) "Walking"
Strolling
"Need a ride?"
(Lie/True) "I'm good"
Maintained buoyancy.
"Still smoking?"
(Lie) "Just quit"
"Drinking?"
(True) "Nope"
"Still gri- How are you mentally?"
(Lie) "Better"
"Good. Good. Well, everything looks good, then."
(Lie) "Good"
"Have a ride waiting?"
(True) "Walking"
Strolling
"Need a ride?"
(Lie/True) "I'm good"
Maintained buoyancy.
Longing.
Where does one love end and another begin?
Does it even truly end; or just entwine with the other?
Where does the memory of one end and another begin?
I have avoided placing each in their own compartment;
feeling that it should not matter.
And yet...
Where does one love end and another begin?
Does it even truly end; or just entwine with the other?
Where does the memory of one end and another begin?
I have avoided placing each in their own compartment;
feeling that it should not matter.
And yet...
April 20, 2025 at 12:58 AM
Longing.
Where does one love end and another begin?
Does it even truly end; or just entwine with the other?
Where does the memory of one end and another begin?
I have avoided placing each in their own compartment;
feeling that it should not matter.
And yet...
Where does one love end and another begin?
Does it even truly end; or just entwine with the other?
Where does the memory of one end and another begin?
I have avoided placing each in their own compartment;
feeling that it should not matter.
And yet...
There is absolutely no legitimate reason,
ever; to deny another's existence and identity.
ever; to deny another's existence and identity.
April 17, 2025 at 5:37 AM
There is absolutely no legitimate reason,
ever; to deny another's existence and identity.
ever; to deny another's existence and identity.
Forcing myself on an open platform,
as a semi-creative outlet, mind;
has revealed a pattern to my...
relatively, new actions.
First, I try; I do, as I post;
to have the pretense of coherence.
as a semi-creative outlet, mind;
has revealed a pattern to my...
relatively, new actions.
First, I try; I do, as I post;
to have the pretense of coherence.
April 17, 2025 at 5:35 AM
Forcing myself on an open platform,
as a semi-creative outlet, mind;
has revealed a pattern to my...
relatively, new actions.
First, I try; I do, as I post;
to have the pretense of coherence.
as a semi-creative outlet, mind;
has revealed a pattern to my...
relatively, new actions.
First, I try; I do, as I post;
to have the pretense of coherence.
Not entirely certain where yesterday went.
Some days have a tendency to do that.
Today started well, till the storm winds began.
Some days have a tendency to do that.
Today started well, till the storm winds began.
Some days are easier.
The infrequency only means it is a little difficult to tell whether it was a whimsical fantasy or a valid memory.
The infrequency only means it is a little difficult to tell whether it was a whimsical fantasy or a valid memory.
April 16, 2025 at 10:18 PM
Not entirely certain where yesterday went.
Some days have a tendency to do that.
Today started well, till the storm winds began.
Some days have a tendency to do that.
Today started well, till the storm winds began.