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AcefullyCurious

@handfulofaces.bsky.social

450 followers 700 following 3.6K posts

I don’t know why i’m here She/Her Queer 21+ only (am an adult thanks) minors DNI privately ok ANTI GENSHIN COMMUNITY/HYV - You are not welcome here Free Palestine ANTI RUSSIA/ISRAEL ANTI 🍊 have BPD TRANS/LGBT/BIPOC LIVES ALWAYS MATTER FUCK FASCISTS

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AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Jan 3

#gacha changing my pinned like I promised I would. I figure by now Vent users have found me or I’ll find them through moots so. Plus I think people know by now what my account is based on. So- here’s my gacha accounts if you want to add me 🙂
Wuwa, Infinity Nikki and G/enshin. NA for all of them.

genshin account but please be aware i am no longer an active genshin player and if i add you its highly likely i wont be on for many many many many months. im only on if units i want are running: rizzly, cloud retainer, chiori, and eula. I do not support genshin much anymore but it is a part of my history so harder for me to fully let go of it.

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

Anyway that’s it that’s …that’s all I have
I’m here not here I’m missing i’m alive I’m gone I’m absent I’m scattered I’m not put together
And I’m trying to find a single thread that’ll pull everything together
Anywho that’s all

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

But yes from my (Ace) perspective I do miss bluesky and the people here.
I also want to avoid you all entirely until somethings less wobbly
and I don’t know if that’ll be anytime soon
My birthdays coming up on Tuesday
I dread the entire day

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

If I had steadier footing I might…could return but right now I just
I can’t do it
I don’t want to do it
And I don’t ….I don’t know really why
I mean I know why but I also don’t.
Warring. You see?
Even in trying to explain I don’t know whose trying to talk

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

I know from my (Ace) perspective I do ///miss the community that’s here. I do ///miss the Vent community that’s here and the few people I managed to talk to but I don’t…
I don’t know if I’m allowed to want that or keep that or experience it or if it’s really ///me.

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

Not the existential crisis and not the heart ache I can’t shake
I don’t know what I want anymore I don’t know what I’m suppose to want anymore
Because ///I don’t know if it’s ///me talking or ///someone else

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

Because the idea of having this weight around on me and it …bleeding out onto other people doesn’t sit with me
They deserve to believe the lies of I’m fine she’s fine she’s ok she’s alive that’s it that’s all that matters not the horrors I experience

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

Her only “friend” hasn’t contacted us back and I just …
Is the fighting even worth it? Is being Ace
remaining as Ace even worth it????
Is any of it worth it anymore?????
That’s where I am
And that’s why I can’t return

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

I’m tired of waking up not knowing where I am who I am what standing I even have anymore In tired of guessing In tired of silence but is that ///me talking or the thing inside ///us talking?
What really do we want anymore?????
And how do we even fix everything that’s been broken over 2 years?

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

Why did I lose…
why did she lose a partner of 2 years why can’t we remember???? Why is this a thing why can’t I connect ???? Is this because of the internal warring still going on ? Is that what’s fucking everything up?
I don’t know
I don’t know and I’m tired of not knowing

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

But that dream

She was laughing in her dream
Did she make people laugh? Did we make people laugh? Was she not a burden to people????? Were we accepted???? If we were accepted why did we lose everyone?????

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

that wants to take back the body I’m in????
I wake up and expect nothing from nobody I wake up and don’t expect a single text or message I wake up and it’s empty notifications it’s empty it’s empty it’s empty and I say it’s ok it’s ok it’s ok they’re all better off they’re ok they’ll survive

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

I keep saying that and some days I think it’s true I think I’m ok with never bonding with a single person but nights like tonight and since that dream it’s like

What if that’s wrong? And if so have I been wrong this entire time and is that because I am fighting something

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

I don’t take these things for granted but what am I if I can’t even …
If I can’t
If I can’t respond ?

I keep telling myself i’m ok with being alone being without a single solid support system
being without anyone to talk to every day being ok ///alone
not hurting anyone but myself daily

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

when I can’t maintain a single connection because it’s like lighting myself on fire? Why can’t I be a friend when I should know how to be one but every time I tried with anyone I burned out so fast I couldn’t respond to a single “Are you ok?” and “I’m here if you wanna talk”

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

Who was I from before and what am I now? Who am I really under all this? A coward? A person? A demented individual? Someone not meant for this world what am I????
What was the point of all this???? Why do I still ache for a girl whose past I can’t remember why do I still ache for connections

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

What happens to the smallest of things I’ve wanted that had no ties to my past???? What happens to all that???? Does it go away too????
I can’t …
I think of reaching out so many times but how can I rely on anyone when I’m in a state of disintegrating and being …formed?

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

That dream thus never ending ache this never ending….drive

I fear if I release control it’s going to push me out and I’ll disappear and whoever takes the reins
I don’t know who that will be
Mercy? Or some twisted form of Mercy? What happens to feelings I had for ppl I’ve met since I’ve been awake

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

I don’t know how to explain it but she went away
She went away I felt her leave and I don’t know where she went but she went willingly with some past I don’t recall and don’t want to recall and I’ve not felt her since
But this???

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

because it means ///I disappear
Ace
disappears
///I go away
And I know I’ve said before I wanted to disappear I know my absence of 2 months is me trying to “disappear” but what ///I mean when I talk of disappearing I’m meaning something permanent for ALL of us.
Kate died. I felt her die.

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

control
I think it’s fighting me
I think it knows I don’t belong
I think it knows I belong somewhere else
We belong somewhere else and I …
I don’t want to go there
If I go there I disappear
and I know that’s stupid
All this time
2 years
2 years of fighting this and I don’t want to give control

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

like a normal person would.
I don’t know the first thing on being a friend or being “myself” because “myself” is shattered in ways I can’t ….grasp?
What I think are ///my interests
are really hers
The ache I feel all the time are not my aches but ///hers
This body
This body is fighting for

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

And now I’m here
And I’m wondering …
I’m wondering what if all means
But worse
I’m wondering if I’ve made some kind of mistake I don’t understand

But it’s tearing me apart.
I can’t pretend to be…the me from before. I can’t pretend . For anyone. I don’t know things I don’t know how to act

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

They didn’t laugh at her they were all laughing together and she was in the middle of it all and making them laugh
And the people she was with
w…are people I’ve met in the past year. Her friends. Her….family. I woke up so scared and confused and when I woke up it’s like the lids slammed closed

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

gesture the ….moment. Of opening.
That had me waking up in a panic
I saw …myself or
some version of myself
from before
I saw …her.
I saw her. The former me. And she was laughing. With people she knew she was laughing. And they laughed with her.

AcefullyCurious @handfulofaces.bsky.social · Sep 15

I dreamed I had all these unopened boxes. Long story short these dreams contained …memories. The memories weren’t real like they weren’t ….they didn’t reflect what happened in real life but it was the