Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 7d

My IQ? I don’t have one, I had it surgically removed so I didn’t have to worry about it. Do you want to drink 17 beers and fuck like rabid animals?

Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 8d

*extremely graphic slurping sounds*

Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 10d

Suplex anyone you don’t like through a table. Your body isn’t getting any younger, be violent while you still can.

essencesimmone.blacksky.app @essencesimmone.blacksky.app · 12d

Those who are 35+, what advice do you have for people just entering their 30s?

Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 12d

Trying to escape through the chimney but getting stuck cause of my boner :(

Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 14d

You ever be fucking but like, silly style?

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Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 15d

They’re calling Pepsi “Dr. Pepsi” now. Have you heard about this? They’re saying Pepsi went to medical school so it can remove your appendix if it wants to.

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Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 15d

Like hockey, but better

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Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 16d

The sports people are telling me brisketball can’t be a sport. They’re telling me no one wants to hit a big juicy roast with a bat into a net.

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Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 16d

When life gives you lemons, now you have lemons. Wow. Sour yellow balls.

Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 16d

In America you have hand foot and mouth disease. In Germany they have Hans foot and mouth disease which can only be transmitted from Hans to Hans.

Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 16d

Now that’s the move. I bet he enjoyed the hell out of that flight

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Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 16d

That’s how you find new friends

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Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 16d

There was a horse at the bar the other night and when I asked the bartender about it he said I shouldn’t talk to the horse cause it’s full of shit. Apparently it tells everyone it’s descended from the Trojan horse.

Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 19d

🎵 she’s a bad girl, loves osama, bin laden and the hezbollah too

Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 19d

They’re saying I’m going to the steakhouse, eating 5 porterhouse steaks, drinking 13 beers, and fighting an off duty cop

Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 28d

They kicked me out of planet fitness after the lunk alarm sounded in the locker room when I took my pants off. They’re saying I can’t have all of this meat in the locker room.

Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark @vhalechark.bsky.social · 29d

I met Robert Redford 7 years ago and before we parted ways he looked me in the eyes and said “kid, you’ve got the right mix of fat cock and charm that will take you places.” RIP to a legend, I’ll carry your legacy forward 🫡