#Satire #MiddleEast #DiplomacyDrama #BreakingNews #RedLinesCrossed By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Hamas Demands Release of Prominent Prisoner, Israel Runs Out of Red Sharpies to Draw More Lines** In a stunning display of “Wait, *you* actually think that’s negotiable?” Hamas leadership has officially demanded the release of a prominent Palestinian prisoner, marking the 74th “absolutely non-negotiable” red line Israel has drawn in the last week alone.

#RowRowRowYourBro #ScottishSeaSiblings #WorldRecordWaves #OarDinaryBrothers #PacificPaddlePals By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Three Scottish Brothers Set World Record for Fastest Pacific Row, Still Can’t Agree on Whose Turn It Is to Do the Dishes** In news bound to make both Neptune and every Scottish mum proud, three Scottish brothers have set a new world record for the fastest row across the Pacific Ocean, finishing in less than two months and landing in a destination that definitely did *not* serve haggis upon arrival.

#TrumpTariffs #GlobalTradeOops #CourtroomComedy #LawAndOrderish #SadTariffs By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump’s Global Tariffs Are Officially Unlawful, Court Decides—Somewhere, a Trade War Sighs in Relief** In a move that stunned absolutely no one except perhaps a few confused customs officials and a particularly patriotic bald eagle, a U.S. appeals court has officially declared that former President Trump’s global tariffs are, in legal terms, “totally unlawful, believe me.”

#TrumpTariffs #GlobalTradeOops #CourtroomComedy #LawAndOrderish #SadTariffs By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump’s Global Tariffs Are Officially Unlawful, Court Decides—Somewhere, a Trade War Sighs in Relief** In a move that stunned absolutely no one except perhaps a few confused customs officials and a particularly patriotic bald eagle, a U.S. appeals court has officially declared that former President Trump’s global tariffs are, in legal terms, “totally unlawful, believe me.”

#Satire #FBI #SpyGames #DefamationDrama #LegalLaughs By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: Breaking News: Kash Patel’s Girlfriend Sues Ex-FBI Agent for Accusing Her of Being an ‘Israeli Spy,’ Insists She Can’t Even Spell ‘Mossad’ WASHINGTON D.C. – In a legal twist fit for a Tom Clancy fan fiction forum, the girlfriend of FBI director Kash Patel has filed a lawsuit against a former FBI agent for allegedly defaming her as an “Israeli spy.” Sources close to the couple say she is “devastated but somewhat flattered,” as it’s the most international intrigue she’s faced since trying to get a passport photo at CVS.

#WhiteHouseWonders #SecretServiceShuffle #KamalaUnplugged #TrumpTactics #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump Cancels Kamala Harris’ Secret Service Detail, Says ‘She’s Got Enough Security With All Those Fly Swatters’** In what pundits are calling “bold, brash, and possibly borrowed from the plot of a slapstick movie,” former President Donald Trump reportedly canceled the Secret Service detail that had been quietly extended by a mysterious Biden executive order.

#Satire #TariffTantrum #OnlineShopping #AmericaFirstPrices #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **End of an Era: Billions of Packages of ‘Cheap’ Goods Shipped to the US Now Inspire Existential Dread Over Steep Tariffs** America’s national pastime isn’t baseball, it’s hitting “Buy Now” at 2 a.m. on yet another LED cat lamp. Sadly, millions of Americans awoke this week to discover the era of endless, guilt-free parcel splurging has ended—not with a bang, but with a hefty customs invoice stapled to their hopes and dreams.

#JusticeReheated #MemphisMayhem #TrialTakeTwo #LegalDejaVu #SameCourtDifferentDay By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Memphis, TN** – In what legal experts are describing as “Groundhog Day with more paperwork,” a judge has ordered a brand new trial for three Memphis ex-officers accused in connection with the 2023 beating death of Tyre Nichols. The officers, who have now collected more court dates than frequent flyer miles, expressed relief and confusion—mostly confusion.

#WetWipeIsland #ThamesCleanup #EcoSatire #WipeOut #LondonLitter By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: LONDON – In a dazzling display of British resourcefulness and a dash of international embarrassment, authorities have finally launched a mission to remove Britain’s biggest accidental tourist attraction: “Wet Wipe Island,” floating serenely (and occasionally oozing) in the River Thames. For years, Londoners have gazed out over the murky waters, trying to ignore the ominous continent of moist towelettes bobbing in the current like the ghosts of hygiene past.

#CDC #FoodPoisoning #HealthNews #Satire #SafeEats By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **CDC Dramatically Scales Back Food Poisoning Tracking Program; Leftovers Nationwide Panic** ATLANTA, GA – In a move cheered by microwaved shrimp quesadillas everywhere, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced yesterday that it will dramatically scale back its program tracking food poisoning infections. The surprise decision comes at a time when more Americans than ever are discovering the culinary thrill of questionable chicken.

#Argentina #Milei #Corruption #PoliticalSatire #RockThrowing By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Argentina’s President Milei Pelted With Rocks, Blames Gravity for Falling Approval Ratings** In what some are calling “the literal rock-bottom” of his career, Argentina’s President Javier Milei found himself the not-so-proud recipient of airborne geological critiques while on the campaign trail this week. Eyewitnesses claim that as Milei delivered a passionate speech about transparency and honesty, an enthusiastic group of citizens decided to express their skepticism using local landscaping materials.

#ArgentinianPolitics #PoliticalRockstars #MileiVsGravity #DemocracyWithPebbles #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Argentinian President Javier Milei Leaves Rally After Protesters Throw Rocks, Unveils New Olympic Sport** In what political experts now call “Granitegate,” Argentinian President Javier Milei made headlines yesterday after leaving his own rally following a barrage of rocks flung by disgruntled protesters. Eyewitnesses say the President exited the stage at record speed, narrowly missing both projectiles and the opportunity to launch his highly anticipated proposal to replace Congress with a pack of economic textbooks.

#Satire #CanadaNews #ConspiracyHumor #EducationTruth #GraveMistake By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Canada, 63% No Longer Believe in Mass Graves in Schools—Now Suspect It’s Just Where They Buried All the Homework** OTTAWA – In a stunning reversal, recent polls reveal that 63% of Canadians now believe the "mass graves at schools" stories were just elaborate covers for a far more nefarious plot: Canada’s legendary missing assignments.

#NevadaOffline #CyberAttack #DigitalDisaster #404StateFound #SilverStateShutdown By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Nevada Officially Declares State Motto: "What Happens In Nevada, Stays In Cyberspace" After Historic Cyberattack** Carson City, NV — Nevada state government learned a hard lesson about two things this week: the importance of cybersecurity, and never, ever clicking that email titled “Free Unlimited Poker Chips! Claim NOW!” On Monday morning, Nevadans across the Silver State were greeted not by functional government websites, but by spinning wheels, error messages, and—according to one state employee—an unexpected screen saver featuring an animated raccoon eating a USB drive.

#OrangeJuiceCrisis #FloridaManExports #CanadianTastebuds #JUICYNEWS #SipOrSkip By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **** In a shocking twist threatening the very vitamin C balance of North America, U.S. exports of Florida orange juice to Canada have plummeted faster than your blood sugar after a kale smoothie. Investigators discovered the cause wasn’t tariffs, climate change, or even a global straw shortage—it was, in fact, Canadian tastebuds staging a silent revolt.

#CrackerBarrel #LogoBacklash #OldIsGold #BrandingBlunders #DesignDrama By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Cracker Barrel to Return to Its Old Logo After Backlash—Public Rejoices, Grandpa Finally Stops Yelling at Clouds** After a short-lived experiment with a sleek, modern logo that featured a minimalist barrel and what appeared to be a hipster with a man bun, Cracker Barrel has officially announced the return of its classic logo.

#ElonActs #XHibitA #DeleteItElon #TechnoTakedown #NotSoFreeSpeech By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Child Sex Abuse Victim Begs Elon Musk to Remove Links—Musk Offers Rocket Ship Instead** In an emotional plea that somehow doesn’t require blue-check verification, a child sex abuse victim recently begged tech overlord Elon Musk to remove links to images of her trauma from his rebranded platform, X (which was formerly Twitter and may soon be known as "X-cept When It's Illegal.com").

#UtahRedraw #GerrymanderGiggles #Mapocalypse #PoliticalPuzzles #SatireJurisdiction By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Utah Judge Orders Congressional Map Redrawn, Suggests Giant Game of Twister Instead** SALT LAKE CITY—In a landmark decision that sent spill-proof coloring books soaring off store shelves, a Utah judge this week ordered state lawmakers to "put down the crayons and try again" with their congressional map for the 2026 elections.

#ElonVsFruit #AIWars #OpenAIrony #BigTechDrama #LawsuitLulz By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: In a legal move that surprised absolutely no one, billionaire, Twitter hobbyist, and part-time Dogecoin whisperer Elon Musk has filed an antitrust lawsuit against Apple and OpenAI. His charge? That the pair are — in Musk’s exact words — “hogging all the good robots and leaving everyone else with the Windows Vista of artificial intelligence.”

#TrumpFiresFed #BattleoftheBank #LisaCook #SatireNews #YoureFiredAgain By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump Claims He’s Fired Fed Governor Lisa Cook, Central Bank Wonders Who Gave Him the Office Keys** In a surprising turn of events that only surprises those who haven’t paid attention for the last eight years, former President Donald Trump announced today that he has “fired” Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook, adding yet another chapter to his ongoing feud with the central bank and reality itself.

#LilNasX #LAArrest #SatireNews #OldTownFelonies #IndustryBabyTrouble By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: LOS ANGELES, CA — In news that’s leaving fans somewhere between “MONTERO” and “Don’t Call Me Anymore, Officer!”, rapper Lil Nas X is facing a whopping FOUR felony charges following his arrest in Los Angeles this week. Authorities say the charges include Resisting Arrest with Excessive Sass, Intent to Commit a Twerk in a No-Twerk Zone, Illegal Hoe-Down, and the rarely seen Misuse of Glitter in a Public Space.

#Satire #GazaNews #MediaMayhem #BreakingNews #PressPassesGone By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: In a shocking turn of events that no one could’ve possibly seen coming (except literally everyone), reports have now confirmed that an Associated Press freelancer was among four journalists tragically killed in yet another Israeli airstrike on a Gaza hospital—because apparently, hospitals and those who report from them are now on the official "Do Not Disturb—Just Obliterate" list.

#EvergrandeExit #DelistedDreams #BankruptBillionaires #ChinaCrisis #NotSoGrand By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: SHANGHAI – In an event described by financial analysts as "even less surprising than a Marvel sequel," Chinese real estate behemoth Evergrande has been officially delisted from the Hong Kong stock exchange. The company, known for building more apartments than there are TikTok influencers, took a nosedive so steep even Elon Musk is reportedly impressed.

#Satire #CanadaToTheRescue #DronesWithApologies #PoliteArmor #BreakingNews By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Drones, Armored Vehicles Part of Canada’s $2B Military Aid Package For Ukraine—Maple Syrup “Not Included This Time”** In a move sure to strike fear into the hearts of enemy combatants and mildly alarm Canadian geese, Canada has announced a $2B military aid package for Ukraine—featuring high-tech drones, shiny armored vehicles, and the nation’s signature heartfelt politeness.

#NuclearKnockKnock #NotSoHappyIndependence #PowerPlantProblems #SatireSizzle #DiplomaticDrama By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: In a development that has left international onlookers scratching their heads and re-Googling “Chernobyl 2.0,” Moscow has announced that Kyiv decided to celebrate Ukraine’s Independence Day by allegedly lobbing a few presents—missiles, they say—at a nuclear power plant. When asked why Ukraine would risk creating a real-life fallout version of “Call of Duty” right on its doorstep, Moscow shrugged and muttered something about “historical tradition” and a “festive atmosphere.” Sources in the Kremlin then reportedly attempted to light sparklers, but set off the fire alarm instead.