Author | Lightnews

Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 3h

#PressRelease - Going forward, he will be known as The Windsor Formerly Known As Prince Andrew.

#NoActualPunishmentTho

Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 4d

What if T-Rexs had poetry and they would bellow mournful poems about how having to eat other dinosaurs made them really sad?
#EmoRex
#DespondentApexPredator

Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 5d

Now might be the time to open a small shop specializing in Guillotine Sales and Service.
#FreeSharpeningForATerm

Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 10d

So sad every time I hear that someone from my past has died because that’s one less person on whom I can get revenge.

#AtLeastTheyWillBurnInHell
#SomeConsolation

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 11d

Imagine being on an ocean liner and the captain has decided to scuttle it so it’s sinking and you and half the other passengers are actively trying to warn everyone and save it and the other half are mocking them for it.

#ItsAMetaphor
#FuckYouMAGAAssholes

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 16d

Q: What's the difference between chillin' and illin'?

A: ch

#FunniestJokeOfTheYearContender
#TellThisJokeToYourKids

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 18d

If you’re bothered by pronouns, immigrants and LGBTQ people, you can take direct action to make the world a better place by learning compassion for people who aren’t like you!

#YouMightLikeBeingABetterPerson

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 19d

Why does Qatar need an air base in Idaho? Are they planning strikes against Canada?

#SeemsABadIdea

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 20d

Seems that if you want to win a #NobelPeacePrize, it’s better to be an anti-fascist rather than a mendacious fascist autocrat.

#JustSaying #HeWontLearnTho 🏅

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 21d

#FunFact – Stephen Miller looks like the sort of person who would be convicted in a war-crimes tribunal!

#True #JustLookAtHim

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 22d

Happy World Octopus Day! 🐙

#IForOneWelcomeOurNewCephalopodOverlords

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 23d

October 7th is National Taco Day! If you're wondering what to have for lunch and dinner, I have a suggestion...
🌮 🌮 🌮 🌮 🌮 🌮

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 24d

I suspect that the delightful nuance of my Smurf humor will not be fully appreciated during my lifetime.

#IWillBeFamousInTheFuture #PosthumosFame

Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 24d

#TwitFic - After he was bitten by Accursed Smurf, at every Blue Moon he would transform into... a WereSmurf!
#SmurfyHorror

Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 25d

#FunFact – The “I was just following orders” defense was first used by Peter von Hagenbach in 1474 when on trial for atrocities. He was found guilty and beheaded!

#FoodForThought #CouldBeModernParallels

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 28d

We need a political party who will represent the 99% because they’re not funded by dark money from the 1%.

#BigMoneyOutOfPolitics #FeelFreeToStepUpDemocrats

2

Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · 29d

What we're learning from the Riyadh Comedy Festival is that a bunch of comedians actually don't mind suppression of their free speech if someone gives them a big bag of money.

#MoneyOverMorals #VenalThyNameIsComedian

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · Sep 27

If I had three Genie Wishes, I’d totally spend one wishing that I could make people smarter by punching them because there’s a whole lotta people who need upgrading.

#PunchThemUntilTheyUnderstandHowGovernmentWorks
#FunForEverybody

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · Sep 26

So, the Trump Administration is prosecuting James Comey for making false statements? I feel like there’s a word for that...

#Hypocrisy #PotCallingKettleBlackSituation

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · Sep 21

If you're going to be Raptured this Tuesday, be proactive by Paypaling me all your money now, since you won't need it in Heaven!

#CantTakeItWithYou #GiveItToMe

Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · Sep 20

Senator Ted Cruz said FCC chair Brendan Carr shouldn't have threatened ABC over Jimmy Kimmel and damn it feels weird when Ted Cruz is right about something.

#FeelsLikeWhenDickCheneySaysSomethingKind

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · Sep 19

#BreakingNews - Musk will replace the high-level managers fleeing the Tesla Optimus program with Optimus robots. 🤖

#NoWayThisCouldGoHorriblyWrong

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · Sep 16

All the other shoppers just looked like bland people, in bland clothes, living bland lives, so I thought I should probably eat something, and after lunch they all were still thoroughly humdrum, but at least I wasn't hungry.

#ReallyMakesYouThink

Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · Sep 16

Now that we know exactly what the results would be like, Science has no need to transfer the brain of a low-IQ, 5th-grade bully into the body of an obese, incontinent, old man.

#InsteadLetsInventHealthyNachos

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Evan Nichols @evannichols.bsky.social · Sep 14

#JustRealized – The book “Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb” would make a banger heavy metal song.
#MillionsOfMonkeys #DrummingOnDrums