funnily enough i lost 20 pounds since last year and i think it's because i've been binge eating less. it was really bad the past couple of years because i would only focus on drawing after work but the depression and anxiety had me eating more to destress
the more i think about it the more i realize i'm not someone who can handle lofty goals orz i think my current life goal is to maintain low stress levels and learn work-balance so i can enjoy both drawing and gaming...
i kept thinking of this one dating show i watched where one of them described that he was an artist and the girl responded with "😲 I can't believe i'm with such an elegant person!" which i thought was really funny but i guess people who don't do arts probably think of that
i don't know where i'm going with this... i was feeling depressed because i didn't know what i wanted to do and everything felt hopeless, but i think the reason why i want to be passionate of something was because i never wanted to become like my father and become true to myself
he said he didn't want to do anything but watch tv after he retires, not travelling or pursuing passions. he ended up staying with his sisters only for them to move him to different places because they didn't want to take care of him like he did tearing our family apart to take care of them.
it just reminded me of one of the last serious conversations i had with my father where i asked what he is going to do once he retires, and how i promised myself to never become like him... it felt so sad
I have preferences as well but it's so weird watching a subset of people act oblivious that there's people who DON'T write or expose themselves to writing based on seme/uke tropes, but somehow those people are the villains in this culture war 😭 i'm sure it goes both ways but it's so annoying
Since it's going to be used to have enough screenspace for references, i think i need to find a wireless mouse for my desk as well... i need to make everything as convenient as possible so drawing doesnt feel tedious...
i saw someone explain how to draw characters on model and i'm tempted to try that myself because it seems more fun than practicing boxes and basic form...
i'm naturally hot-headed and i cry a lot when i put myself in the position to speak up but it's just. sometimes i don't know if not saying anything is good anymore. i guess for me it's "i no longer want to deepen a relationship with this person"
i don't know whether it's trauma or what because only to my mother do i openly complain in hopes of having a conversation about it as well but i'm often told to internalize my frustrations and not get emotional because the other party is going through issues of their own and i shouldnt add to it orz
