Author | Lightnews

A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 4h

Investigations are ongoing into a new top secret North Korean military project codenamed LOOK SQUIRREL.

Multiple nations are concerned about a new weapon of mass distraction.

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 1d

It was only after i left my paint tray on the bench thay i realised it was satin.

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 2d

My dad used to listen exclusively to classical music whilst sitting in his recliner.

Times have changed, he discovered heavy metal and now he has a rocking chair.

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 4d

If i were a tree, i think i'd be a yew tree.

I never was very poplar.

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 8d

My friend who is obsessed with organising everything has categorised me as "Messy".

I wish he wouldn't label me like that.

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 9d

-"I've just bought the best male reindeer available from a local breeder."

-"Prize stag?"

-"Oh you don't want to know how much i spent"

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 10d

Regarding my earlier derogatory statement about faulty tape measures.

I wish to retract it.

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 11d

-"I've just been to see a house sale."
-"Sounds like a stupid thing to put on a roof"

#Lunchpun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 14d

Esteemed musical Stradivarius is reported to have had a very bad temper.

He also had a long history of violins.

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 15d

I entered the world acne championships last week.

I didn't win a medal, but I got a spot prize.

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 16d

My wife has a new job down by the beach, but it's very hard to say what it entails.

She sells sea shells on the seashore.

#Lunchpun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 17d

I've got half a pound of rice to trade for a nice shiny balloon. I can choose a balloon that looks like either: an old man that looks like my grandad; a phantom or some rodent looking creature.

So... Pop, Ghost or Weasel?

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 18d

When i realised I'd swallowed my mobile phone, I dialled a little inside.

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 21d

I was supposed to send an alert out about the recent high winds, but it got stuck in my drafts.

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 23d

I asked my dad to back up loads of pictures to the cloud.

He got fined for throwing photos out of an upstairs window.

#Lunchpun

A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 24d

I shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm a member of a secret underground society where people only speak to those who are as tall as they are.

The first rule of height club is that you don’t talk about height club.

#Lunchpun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 25d

Today, I discovered the earth isn't a flat disc and that i don't live on the edge of it.

Oh well, it's not the end of the world.

#Lunchpun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 28d

Get your mind out of the gutter. Poking someone to wake them up. Jeez.

A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 28d

My mate has started a business specialising in buying and selling clockwork toys.

At least he says he has.

He's a wind-up merchant.

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · 29d

-"My wife passed out at the card tables at the casino last night."

-"Poker?"

-"Several times, but she was so drunk she didn't move"

#Lunchpun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · Oct 1

I'm off to sell off my cd collection to a local shop to help overcome my addiction to cheesy 90s pop music.

I'm taking Steps to help my recovery.

#Lunchpun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · Sep 30

-"Why have you brought me out on my birthday to show me a huge cow on a barge?"..

-"It's your present. You said you wanted a boat ox"

#LunchPun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · Sep 29

In preparation for the Christmas season, I've started a diet of mince pies and candy canes.

I'm trying out elfy eating.

#Lunchpun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · Sep 26

My wallet is gonna need strengthening if I have to carry one of those newfangled high density cards.

#Lunchpun

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A Shining Wit @caffeine748.bsky.social · Sep 25

-"I've asked the council to remove the spraypaint from the horse chestnut over the road."

-"Tree dirty?"

-"I have no idea when they are going to turn up."

#LunchPun

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